i m not attracted to my husband

They Are Just Not Up for It? If your partner is unwilling, here's your dialogue: "We need to go for a brief round of counseling to get our. The reality is, at some point in our marriage we may find ourselves "noticing someone other than our spouse". First, let me say there is NO. Show Summary: · Remind yourself regularly of the things you appreciate about your spouse. · Tell them things they are doing that you appreciate.

I m not attracted to my husband -

Life can get hectic, and as a result, sex can hit the backburner. Especially if you have kids, it might not be top of mind for him to come home from work and initiate sex right away.

“When you come home at the end of the day and you’ve worked all day, you’re either going to sit down and watch TV or go to sleep, or you could somehow have sex,” says Pizzulli. “Sometimes, sleep is more preferable.”

Plus, once you’re married and sex becomes less of a novelty, it’s common for men to shift their focus and priorities to other things. “Think of the cavemen,” says Pizzulli. “Once you get your woman, now it comes down to raising babies and then hunting and gathering, right? So maybe you’ll have some sex, but the primary focus is now on work. And for a lot of men, work becomes the center of their life cycle when they’re trying to support their families.”

The key here is normalizing the fact that your priorities are bound to change throughout the course of your lifetimes. “This is not something catastrophic for your relationship,” says Pizzulli. “The frequency of sex and the priority of sex changes and ebbs and flows through the life cycle for both men and women.”

Get him in the mood: It’s still important to take steps to regain sexual intimacy in your marriage, especially if you’re working with busy schedules.

The first step? Start planning sex into your week. “You can’t have eroticism be spontaneous,” says Pizzulli. “We plan everything else in our lives, so why not this? You have to set time aside.” Set a “date” for Saturday night, and stick to it—preferably during a time with no kids in the house to avoid possible distractions.

Источник: https://www.prevention.com/sex/g20488132/why-men-dont-want-sex-with-their-wives/

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Even after all of these years of being a marriage life coach, if there's a consistent thread that I've experienced with my clients, one that always tends to fascinate me, it's how so often there can be two people who started out being totally into each other; then, life gets in the way and the very same things that caused a husband and wife to not be able to keep their hands off of one another are now some of the very things that cause them to go a couple of months without having sex, without even blinking an eye. What's the deal? Like, really?

From a research standpoint, it's interesting what causes people to be attracted to one another in the first place—looks (of course), a good sense of humor, a person's level of ambition and even relatable past experiences. However, when I read an article on Insider's site entitled, "Why you're attracted to certain people, and not others", a takeaway that tickled me was, "When it comes to love, most people have an idea of what they're looking for in a partner".

Singles, this is actually a part of the reason why I wrote the article for this platform, "The Pros & Cons Of Creating A 'What I Want In A Man' Checklist". It's because the reality is, a lot of people get into relationships simply because a person is pleasing to the eye or makes them feel some type of way, yet they don't really make the time to ponder if they are truly attracted to them in a broader sense. You know, if the person shares their same values, if they complement their lifestyle, if they are on the same page when it comes to spiritual and sexual compatibility…things like that. And when you don't take those types of things into long and serious account before jumping the broom, it can be real easy to "fall out of attraction" once bills, arguments, unattractive habits and even time changing the two of you transpires.

So, what do you do when you're married and, while you still love your husband, you are in a space where you don't really feel all that attracted to him? That's a good question. Personally, I'm a fan of more questions being asked in order to get to the right answer(s). Are you ready to do a little soul-seeking?

Do You Feel Emotionally Disconnected Somehow?

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While it might seem odd that most of us are attracted to someone, out the gate, by how they look, I actually want to start this off by inquiring about how you feel about your man emotionally right now. It's no secret that if a lot of women do not feel emotionally in sync with their partner, his looks really aren't going to matter much. Not only that, but a classic dictionary definition of attract is "to draw by appealing to the emotions or senses, by stimulating interest, or by exciting admiration; allure; invite".

When I wrote the article, "This Is How To Feel Emotionally Safe In Your Relationship" and also "10 Things Marriages Need On A Daily Basis", it was partly to confirm the fact that our feelings matter. One example is the last man who broke my heart. We've managed to remain friends (long story and another article for another time) yet it's interesting. He looks just like he did when we were "in our situation" and so, from a physical standpoint, I still think he's cute, I'm not drawn to him in the least. It's because my feelings towards him have changed. I don't trust him in the same way. I don't share with him all of what I used to. I don't respect certain things about how he handled our dynamic. So yeah, we're healing yet there is definitely an emotional disconnect.

So, I would start there. If you're not really into your husband right now, take a moment to think about how he makes you feel. If you can't use words like "good", "safe" and "confident in the relationship", then there is an emotional disconnection somewhere. Either talking it out or seeing a therapist/counselor/life coach can typically help you to figure out how to get your connection back again.

Have You Lost Respect for Him on Some Level?

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If you've been reading my copy for a while now, you know that I'm good for bringing the Bible into an article, as I think it applies. Well, for this particular point, Scripture certainly applies. The Classic Amplified Version of Ephesians 5:33 says, "However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and [that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly]." Some of y'all might not like this very much but hey, I didn't make it up. It's what the Word says. And here's the thing. Just like love languages are all about expressing love in the way that your partner needs to feel it (not the way you do), according to Scripture, women feel loved with love while men feel loved when they are respected. On that last point, you know what else? We are able to love a man more when we respect him too (well look at that!).

I've got a friend right now who's been struggling in her marriage because her husband is the consummate mama's boy. Back when they were dating, she thought it was endearing because it appeared nurturing and gentlemanly. Now that she's realized that she's basically in second place—with his mama always coming in first—she's pretty disgusted (and that's putting it mildly).

If there are three things that most wives expect from their husband, it's him having the ability to protect, provide (not just or only financially but holistically so) and cherish her. When any of those things are lacking, it's hard to do what the Word says—regard, prefer or esteem her husband.

My friend's husband isn't protecting, providing or cherishing his wife like he should because either his mama's needs come first or he doesn't serve as a barrier between his mom and his wife when his mom tries to take jabs. And how can you wanna be close to a man who you don't feel is acting like one?

Protect. Provide. Cherish. If you're struggling with being attracted to your man right now, ask yourself if you feel like he's failing—or flailing—in any of these areas. If he is, that at least can give you a starting point of what you need to share with him—and why.

Is Your Lack of Attraction Physical—or Sexual?

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I'm gonna share a double standard that drives me totally up the wall. How is it that when a woman gains weight in a marriage and her husband struggles with remaining physical or sexually attracted to her, he's the ultimate jerk? Oh, but when a man grows a gut and his wife turns up her nose, suddenly the mockery is justified. One of the biggest lessons that marriage teaches you is how to apply the Golden Rule—do unto others as you would have them do until you—on the daily.

That said, let's not act like attraction doesn't also mean "to draw by a physical force causing or tending to cause to approach, adhere, or unite; pull (opposed to repel)". Yeah, something that's unfortunate when it comes to many marriages is, once two people say "I do", one or both can get a little lazy (idle, sluggish) on the physical appearance front. I honestly can't tell you how many people have said to me, "I've got him now, why do I need to go through all of that effort for?" Umm, because your husband didn't suddenly go blind on his wedding day and also, what about you wanting to look bomb for yourself? Geeze.

And let me bring something up about the lack of sexual attraction too. Someone else in my world has been having issues in her marriage for years because the way she views sex—how she wants to have it, when she wants to have it and even why she wants to have it—have evolved over the years. Meanwhile, her husband has remained pretty "sexually stagnant" in a lot of ways because, in his mind, so long as he's got BDE (check out "BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go") and a high sex drive, it should be all good, right? Wrong, sir.

Back when I wrote the article, "8 'Kinds of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation", a part of my motivation was to shout-out the fact that marriage comes with a different level of responsibility than "single sex" does. That's because sex isn't to be treated like a "perk" in marriage; it is actually a key and core ingredient in making a committed relationship last (check out "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important").

This is why it's important to make sure that you go beyond just the "mechanics" of sex when it comes to your partner. Are you both on the same page sexually? Do you have similar needs and expectations? As you both grow and evolve, do you view sex in a different way? Have your changes in hormones or even body image caused you to want different things?

A lot of marriages are struggling out here because sexual attraction has died down and unfortunately, rather than dealing with the issue, they settle for not having sex at all. I say it often and I mean every word—if you are physically able to have sex with your spouse and you're not doing it, your marriage is showing signs of being unhealthy. If you fall into this category, please check out "9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight.", then consider having that chat with your partner tonight. You deserve all that comes with marriage—including being physically and sexually attracted to your hubby. Still.

Did You Go into Marriage with an Unrealistic Attraction Expectation?

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Marriage is a mirror. I'm a firm believer of that as well. "Mirror" in the sense that it will show you some things about yourself in a way that no other relationship on this planet ever can or ever will. Well, if after pondering all of the things that I've already said, if you don't feel like any of those points apply but you're still like, "Yeah…I'm still not attracted right now, though", ask yourself what your expectations were going in.

Something else that I also oftentimes hear a lot in my sessions is people saying, "I had no idea that marriage was going to be this challenging" or "Somehow, I thought that marriage was going to be a lot easier than this". Make no mistake, choosing the right person makes the relationship a billion times less stressful yet what relationship is always a walk in the park? Shoot, even our relationship with ourselves can wear us out from time to time.

Reflecting on what you expected marriage to be vs. what it is currently like for you can also help you to get to the root of why you're not attracted to your husband at the present.

I mean, if you expected him to be some character out of your favorite movie, you're gonna be disappointed. Or, if you thought that marriage was gonna be just about you and what you want all of the time, you're gonna be pissed. Or, if you're realizing that you are far more selfish because you never considered that marriage was about daily—and I do mean, daily—compromise, you're gonna feel shortchanged. Expectations aren't bad yet it's important to have ones that are realistic. Were yours?

It’s Important to Remember That You Can Oftentimes Get Back to Where You Once Were

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I know we just covered a lot of ground yet here's the really good news about all of it—if you were once attracted to your husband, there is a really good chance that you can get back to being attracted again. Because, as you just saw, attraction isn't just some random fleeting notion; once you figure out what attracts you to someone and what has caused you to not be attracted, you can get to the root of the matter and restore what was lost.

I honestly can't tell you, just how many times I have been able to help a couple get, as India.Arie once put it, "Back to the Middle", once they were completely open and honest with each other about what they need in the present and their partner was open to helping to meet them where they are.

Attraction isn't just important in a marriage; it is very necessary. Just remember that attraction is what got you to the "for better or for worse" place in your relationship. It's not impossible to feel that way again. If both of you want it, you can have it. You really can.

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Источник: https://www.xonecole.com/not-attracted-to-husband/

What to Do If You're Not Sexually Attracted to Your Husband

I love writing about relationships and helping my readers navigate all their ups and downs.

Not being sexually attracted to your husband is a more prevalent problem than you may think. Many women are married to men that they aren't sexually attracted to. Perhaps they were never attracted to them, to begin with, or perhaps over time they became less and less attracted. Sometimes the wives love their husbands, sometimes they like them, and sometimes they don't. There is a lot you can do to help ensure this lack of attraction doesn't affect your marriage for long.

In this article, I will discuss the importance of sex in marriage, some common reasons women aren't attracted to their husbands sexually, and what to do about it for both wives and husbands.

Expectations That Come With Marriage

There are certain expectations that go with being married to someone else, and one of those is centered around the notion of intimacy. A married couple is expected to be physically and emotionally intimate with each other, and specifically, a lack of physical intimacy can cause problems in the relationship, both emotional and legal.

The legal system in the United States considers a consistent lack of marital sex as a reason for divorce. "Abandonment of Affection" means that one spouse has left the other spouse in the cold in the bedroom. Thus, there is added pressure to be intimate with your spouse, which can be problematic if you are not sexually attracted to them. Many women feel that they are under constant pressure to engage in intimate acts with their husbands, and such pressures only exasperate the problem many women have when it comes to being attracted to their spouse.

Another angle to consider is that your husband loved you enough to marry you, which is an increasingly rare expression of love by men in our modern era. He does care about you deeply, and he is most likely just as concerned as you are about the lack of attraction you feel for him. Solving this issue will take the combined efforts of both parties; it is not up to you to try to fix everything by yourself.

Reasons Why Women Are Not Attracted to Their Husbands

There are plenty of reasons why you may not be attracted to your husband. The important thing to consider is what you can do to remedy those issues. Open communication is a good place to start. If you do not let your husband know that you are feeling this way, that will only make the situation worse. Keep the dialog between the two of you open.

  1. You married him because he had great "husband" qualities: He treats you well, he works 40 hours a week, and your likes and interests match up. However, you were never sexually attracted to him from the beginning of the relationship. He provides the emotional stability you crave, but he cannot please you physically.
  2. He has physically changed over the years: You don't find his appearance to be a turn-on anymore. Perhaps he is balding or 50 pounds heavier than when you met. All you know is that he doesn't look like the sexy guy you married anymore. Maybe he also dresses like a slob, and he has let his hair get way too long.
  3. He has said or done things that have hurt you over time: You no longer see him as agreeable to your senses. You have learned about the chinks in his armor, and you feel like you can't turn back from this. Now you see all of his flaws and focus in on them, poking holes in everything he does.
  4. He has stopped being attracted to you: Attraction is a two-way street so it is possible that your husband is no longer interested in having sex with you, which in turn can cause you to feel the same way. He may also no longer be expressing his love for you in a way that you understand and accept. Let your husband know what turns you on and what he can do to be more affectionate.

How to Become More Attracted to Your Husband

Here are some strategies for you to try out. They may help develop more attraction towards your husband or at least cause his attractiveness to increase in your eyes.

  • Do something thrilling and exciting: Studies from the American Psychological Association have shown that doing thrilling and exciting activities increases sexual attraction in couples. So, try to pick an activity that neither of you has done before, something that will get the blood moving and the adrenaline pumping. You can try zip-lining, hang gliding, skydiving, going to a rock concert, go-cart racing, or something else that breaks up your mundane routine.
  • Stare deeply into his eyes: While this may sound weird, there is scientific evidence to support that gazing deeply into someone else's eyes for an extended period will increase your attraction to them. Yes, just staring into your husband's eyes for minutes on end may seem a bit creepy but it is worth a shot. The trick is not to say anything and keep your eyes wide open. Start out by trying it for about two minutes straight and see how you feel.
  • Get lost in the feeling: The next time the two of you get intimate, focus on how he makes you feel, what you like, and dislike. Don't worry about how your husband looks, how you look, about how you don't get along, or about past mistakes he's made. Forget it all and get lost in how the sensation feels of being touched in the right places. You will be amazed at what the promise of an orgasm does for your level of sexual interest, and what an orgasm for both of you will do for your relationship. Trying to establish that deep physical bond is difficult, so that is why keeping the lines of communication open with your husband is critical.
  • Imagine your husband in his best state: Do you remember when your husband was at his fittest? Do you remember the days before he said those things that hurt your feelings? Do you remember when you had that great date together—long ago—that made you feel loved, secure, and happy? Marriage, as you know, takes a great deal of work. As time passes, we forget some of the magic if we don't actively refine our appreciation for the better parts of our spouses. Whether the magic was based on physical attraction, a deep sense of caring, love, or affection, you can harness that into physical love. How? By relaxing, using your imagination to take you back to the better parts, and opening yourself up, literally. You will probably find there is a lot more to love that you just forgot about over the years.

Why Sex Is Important in Marriage

As I've previously discussed, maintaining a healthy sexual relationship is an integral part of any marriage. Here are a few reasons why being intimate with your spouse is important for your well-being.

  1. Sex bonds a husband and wife together through the production of oxytocin, the hormone released during orgasm that increases feelings of love and attachment between the couple.
  2. The power of touch. Both sexual and romantic touching increases the feeling of intimacy between a couple. Since this touching is reserved for a husband and wife only, the idea is that no one else in the world can provide you pleasure the way your spouse does.
  3. Women who experience regular orgasms or heightened sexual pleasure report better moods and happier lives. Sex relieves stress in both women and men, and this makes your walk through life a more pleasant one, despite the ups and downs of daily existence. In The Sex-Starved Marriage, by Michele Weiner Davis, the author explores just how much the mood of your marriage will improve with more frequent sex.
  4. When you and your husband have a consistent level of sex, it improves his tendencies as an empathetic partner, and he will reciprocate that level of pleasure to you. This need for consistent pleasure is biologically wired into men and women.

As you can see from the points above, consistent sex improves your attachment to him and your bond as a married couple, and it is a critical component of a healthy marriage.

What to Do If Your Wife Is Not Physically Attracted to You

While this article has primarily been focused on women, here are some steps for men to follow to increase their attractiveness in the eyes of their spouse.

Read More From Pairedlife

  • Get in better shape: It can be easy for a married man to let himself go and start getting out of shape. Develop an exercise routine that is based around increasing strength and losing fat. This is the same approach you should apply to your eating patterns: cut out processed junk food and eat sensibly.
  • Dress and look better: This may seem like a no-brainer, but many men think that they can grow out their hair and dress terribly because they are married. Get a good haircut and start grooming yourself regularly. Go out and by some stylish clothes that fit your body and make you look and feel great.
  • Focus on her: Instead of always thinking about your pleasure and satisfaction, try to keep your attention on your wife and her needs. Keep an open line of communication and develop a strategy to work on getting back the intimacy you once had.
  • Go to marriage counseling: Seeing a good family/marriage therapist can help you and your wife work through your intimacy issues. Chances are if there are problems in the bedroom, there are other problems in your marriage that are not being addressed the correct way.

Final Note

Whatever you do, as long as you wish to remain married, working on sexual desire and intimacy should be a priority. It will be highly rewarding for both you and your spouse. Sex can bring magic back into your marriage or help place it there when there really wasn't much to begin with. Two people in a marriage are constantly evolving. You can choose how to evolve.

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This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

Questions & Answers

Question: What if I am sexually attracted to someone other than my husband?

Answer: You are likely to be sexually attracted to different people your whole life, simply because it's natural. You only need to not act on those urges with others.

Question: I have a boyfriend whom I love very much, but whenever he touches me I don't feel romantic, though he does all kind of romantic touches. Do I have any physical problem?

Answer: Probably not. Not being physically attracted to someone doesn't mean you have a physical problem. Love and physical attraction are sometimes not felt towards the same person.

Question: I really care for my husband, but lately, I don't want him touching me. I don't feel attracted to him. Is there something wrong with me?

Answer: No, your feelings can change about another human being at any time. Many wives and husbands go through phases like this, but it is best to find a way to be intimate still.

Question: I am a very sexual person, but when I look at my husband, I don’t want to do anything with him. He watches porn and no matter how many times I tell him it’s not attractive to me, it continues in secrecy. Am I asking for too much? Can this even be solved?

Answer: I am going to give you some unconventional advice. You might be asking for too much. If his negative behavior is limited to watching porn, and he doesn't cheat on you, try using your own fantasies/toys, etc. to get aroused and sleep with him. You did not say whether you two have an active sex life with each other, so I am trying to cover all bases. Is it possible that a lack of intimacy could be causing his behavior in some part? Many married men watch porn in secret. If they don't do this then they probably undress women in public with their eyes even when their girlfriends or wives are with them anyway. This is with having an active sex life.

There is no way to stop a man from desiring to look at the female form, but you could reduce his rate of watching porn with a fully active sex life. I give you this advice with the idea that you are interested in staying in your marriage. Another alternative is marital counseling for both of you to address the issue. Also consider that married women sometimes watch porn out of convenience when they don't feel like going through a full sex act or if they have fantasies they don't share with anyone, even their husbands. Women also look at men they find sexually attractive in public. Not that these last two things pertain to you, but both men and women have desires. If you can find a way to take the first step and enjoy sex regularly with your husband you might find some of this issue dissolves on its own.

Although I don't really condone watching pornography when a person is married, I'm approaching this from the angle that many people do it anyway.

Question: I love my husband, but I feel as if I could be in love with another man. Is this wrong?

Answer: I am not going to judge you though I do believe it is wrong. However, people's feelings are a natural part of being alive, and many go through these feelings every single day. What happens in your mind is different from what you play out in life, with the latter making the difference in your and other people's lives.

Question: My wife enjoys sex when we have it, but never expresses any sexual desire for me. She is sometimes “in the mood” and lets me know, but I never feel any passion from her and it’s usually me who initiates. This has always been true for twenty years. Am I wrong for feeling that she’s not attracted to me?

Answer: No, but I don't think she really lacks attraction for you. Not all women have the same level of extroversion when it comes to sex either. If she is in the mood she is coming to you, so I think it warrants saying she has some king of desire for you. Believe it or not many women are shy about sex and sexual thoughts even when they're married. You could try asking her about fantasies or any moves she'd like you to make. And see if you can follow up for her. You can be honest and try talking to her about how you feel, if you haven't done so already. Encourage her to be open with you. It could be that how she acts towards sex is simply what she thinks is normal. Best wishes.

Question: How do I get my husband to understand my feelings if he is very hard to talk to?

Answer: I am guessing you are talking about this as an overall theme in marriage, and it's actually very common.

A lot of men are not in tune with dealing with aspects regarding feelings of other people, so your husband would not be alone in this. Similarly many men have gruff personalities, especially when it comes to disagreements.

If you've had a chance to tell him your feelings he probably knows them. He might not understand/relate to them/agree with them simply because he is a man and a different individual with a different perspective.

You can state to him that you feel it is difficult to talk to him and because of this you don't think he understands your feelings. But since we are not able to change other people you might find his behavior does not change, even if you tell him this many times.

If you find that most things about your husband are good and decent, and you are able to get what you need from your marriage overall, then you might consider letting this go.

Being wed to someone does not mean they will respond to all of our wishes. If the topic is important, however, you can lay out concrete reasons why he might go with a decision you want to make. This way he is not dealing with an abstract (feelings) but is dealing with consequences, of A leads to B, or X causes Y.

You can also try softening him up or buttering him up if you've found it helps you get your way. While men tend to not respond well to divisiveness in relationships they often soften up as a response to intimacy.

Question: Do you think the same sexual attraction issues in marriage apply for men as well? I'm a man, and I'm not sexually attracted to my wife.

Answer: Yes, many of the same techniques would apply to men as well.

Question: I've been with my partner nine years and I love him very much, but I've had no sex drive for nearly four years now. My unhappiness has grown to the point where I don't know if I should just be on my own to sort myself out. I've thought recently about splitting up with my partner but I still love him. I don't know what to do, he is the most important person in my life and has been incredibly supportive. How can I make myself more attracted to him again?

Answer: I wish I knew more back story about your situation because I have a feeling there is a deeper reason you feel the way you do. Perhaps you could be depressed overall or have a deep amount of dismay about some areas of life.

Although you didn't ask, if your partner is a good person and you are satisfied otherwise with the relationship, I would not let this person go. We always think the grass is greener on the other side. But once you are on the other side something else will bore you eventually. As human beings, it is rare to ever be really satisfied permanently. People who are really good and supportive of us do not come along that often. This person sounds very well worth holding onto.

I am not sure how old you are, but it is natural over time to lose physical attraction to a spouse or long-term partner, simply because familiarity is less exciting than something new and stimulating.

As for intimacy, the best thing for this might be utilizing visualization and memory. You can try to recall when you first met your partner and how excited you were. You can also focus on your favorite body part of your partner and go from there. You can also think of something that excites you that has nothing to do with your partner, but is a jump-off point for mental stimulation. To satisfy your partner you can also do some things that do not involve you being personally excited but physically still satisfies them.

Try enjoying other aspects of your life as well, such as a hobby you always wanted to try. Often times good feelings from this will spill over into other areas of your life, such as relationships. My best wishes to you!

Question: Can a man feel that he's not sexually attracted to his wife?

Answer: Yes, a lot of men either lose attraction to their wives. Some men do not have this attraction to their wives, to begin with. Sometimes men marry what they feel would be a "good wife" but there is no physical attraction otherwise. This happens with both men and women. Also, physical attraction sometimes declines over time as a spouse gets older.

Question: How can I tell my husband that I'm not sexually attracted to him so that he will not feel upset and unwanted, is there any problem with me that I'm not sexually attracted to my husband?

Answer: My advice is not to tell him this because most people would feel unwanted or have another reaction, like feeling betrayed. There isn't anything wrong that you are not sexually attracted to him. You might have married a man that you were not physically attracted to, to begin with, or you lost attraction over time.

Question: My wife and I have been married for 14 years and we have 4 kids. I am very attracted to her but she can go months without sex. I don't want to make her feel bad so I don't say anything, but it's getting to me that she's not interested anymore. I feel she is no longer attracted to me. FYI: I am fit and I dress nice and I also always treat her with love and respect. I am not sure what to do. Advice?

Answer: I can definitely understand you needing intimacy in your marriage. Many people lose interest in sex over time, whether to a small or large degree. Rather than losing an attraction to you it's more likely just that to some extent relationship familiarity and comfort have taken the place of passion that is in most people's relationships early on. My question to you is does she respond to your initiation of lovemaking? Or does she outright reject you every time? If she's accommodating then the rest might not be a concern.

If she is not reasonably accommodating to your needs for intimacy, it might be a good idea to let her know your concern. You could also try to seduce her by remembering any fantasies or moves she's told you about in the past and seeing if they still work for her.

This is a little bit of a trick, but you could also test out becoming distant and cool in your demeanor, or acting "in charge." Sometimes this will pique a partner's interest to where they will be a little afraid of losing you or not keeping you happy. This would be a chance for seduction too.

Question: My husband had an ongoing emotional affair. I've been trying to work through it, and was feeling confident. But now, seven months later, I'm feeling empty and void. Is there help for us?

Answer: Yes, there is hope, even if it might sound unconventional. You can always put your emotions aside for now just to weather it through. Some people do this for reasons such as living expenses, if they have children, or because they feel one day things will indeed get better romantically. This time of year (starting in September) is also hard on some people as the days are getting shorter, and causes people to be more depressed.

You can make a point of trying to enjoy other activities together, such as hobbies. You can bond over other such things while taking the pressure off. To be intimate, you can also just think of your own physical arousal by closing your eyes and using imagination. Fantasy takes a lot of people through intimacy when they are not quite turned on by the reality.

In short, if there are any positive aspects to your marriage that you still enjoy, focus on those.

Question: What if you have never been attracted to your wife? And what do you do if your wife is asexual and hates sex? And those rare times once every six months she does let you have sex, before you even begin she complains that it hurts and she constantly keeps saying hurry up, are you done yet, and its only been one minute?

Answer: This would be incredibly frustrating. If you discuss this with her and she's not willing to change, and she's not willing to go to marital counseling to improve it, it is likely viable grounds for divorce.

Question: I’ve been married a year, I am no longer happy. I don’t find him sexually attractive, the things he says hurt me, but he doesn’t think they do. I’m not sure what to do. I’m not even sure why we married each other anymore. 6 years together and married one of those years.... help?

Answer: It is easy to get disillusioned when you are married. People do not really change as we wish them to because they will not generally see themselves as having the faults you notice. Unless this person is abusive, it might help for you to be open to changing your perspective on your husband's behavior.

Most men are more blunt and direct in their speech than women are. Women are more gifted with social graces in communication. When you live with a person who has a more direct approach, you will tend to find the same things are going to offend you over and over for as long as you're married. For this reason, many women find they have to get rid of some of their sensitivities after they are married. Yes, people are on their best behavior in the beginning stages of a relationship but when comfort sets in they become more open with their true personalities.

The short answer is, "Don't let it bother you." I would look to see if your husband does other things right. For example, is he a good worker? Is he protective? Does he look out for your interests overall? Is he faithful? It all comes down to what you can personally live with. Is there more good than bad about him?

Your physical attraction to your husband could wane and vice-versa. Keeping your vows of promised intimacy tends to keep husbands more well-behaved as well.

Question: What if the thought of sex with your husband turns you off? I feel all the foreplay (unenjoyable) is not worth the disappointment of the 2 minutes of sex I'll end up with, if I can even get that. I just don't want to even try anymore. Am I horrible for feeling this way?

Answer: No, and this is not an uncommon thing. There is a quote somewhere along the lines of there still being value in people and things even when there is no longer fun or excitement associated with them. At some point in marriage familiarity takes over, and sometimes contempt along with it. Acknowledging your feelings to yourself is important. But this is where working through it -- observing obligation for intimacy to the spouse is important. But the best solution for this is to ask your husband to do certain things that would genuinely turn you on. You might have to close your eyes and use some imagination as well. If you can insert some of your own mental excitement into it that would be helpful.

Question: My fiancé and I have a 4 month old. We’ve been together for 4 years, I used to be very sexually attracted to him but now I am not, and I don’t want to have sex with him at all. He ALWAYS wants to have sex, so I feel bad. I love him very much and I want to raise my daughter with him. But I find myself very attracted to other men and I don’t know what to do?

Answer: If you've got a good man I would stay with him if I were you. The reason is that desire changes and eventually declines in most relationships. That is perfectly normal. So if you were to move on to another man you would most likely find your desire for him would also wane eventually.

Question: I've been struggling with severe anxiety over the past few years as I wish we had moved away, I hate where we live. I've spent the past 24 hrs convincing myself I should be on my own should I trust my judgment at this point?

Answer: I heard a good piece of advice a long time ago. "Don't make decisions in an emotional state." I would weigh the pros and cons. Evaluate what you have to fall back on and what other emotional support system and income you would have if you did move. Would a change be better than what you have now? Just be honest in all categories.

Just as an FYI, I have anxiety issues too, and I also have a problem with where we live. I am 500 miles away from my parents. However, my future is with my husband. My best friends all live in different states now, which is terrible too.

Question: My husband stopped having sex with me over 4 years ago, due to constant arguments because of his mother. Now with the lack of intimacy and closeness, I really find him unattractive. I have tried to talk about the necessity of a physical relationship but he will not make the effort. He has said things to me like I am too much hard work, I think because I don't have an orgasm during sex. And he does not want to make me happy. Anyway, I am lost. What can I do?

Answer: I do think counseling for the both of you would be the best help in this case, but you could also try some unconventional things. First, how is the mood at home? Try keeping the home a lighthearted and happy place. Since you have a history together, your home is a place of both good and bad memories. Try doing some things that put you in a happy mood. Also, offer him oral sex, or just try starting it out of nothing when you're sleeping in bed together. I strongly suggest this. This requires no effort to please you on his part. You might find this sends a good jolt into your relationship. Also, think about a makeover -- a look that would make you feel really good and perhaps might wake your husband up a little. As for orgasms, you can try using toys on yourself to give yourself an orgasm. You can also tell him you would use them to do this, which would take the pressure off of him. You can also tell him you don't need an orgasm to enjoy sex.

Question: What if as the husband I have tried all (not perfect) with no real change? When pushing her about some of this she told me she wasn’t attracted to me anymore. It affects my entire life and I battle with depression feeling so unloved.

Answer: It would be difficult to face this situation with your spouse treating you this way. As long as you have been holding up your expected part in the marriage and treated her well there is not much else you can do. If you take care of yourself physically there is also not much else you can do improve someone's attraction to you. That is out of your hands. My best suggestion to you is to address the depression and marriage in therapy. Try to do some things you enjoy, so your entire existence isn't wrapped up in this situation making you miserable. You are a worthwhile individual no matter what another person thinks. (P.S. A small trick some people also do is to let the other person "go." Keep your personality and demeanor with your spouse neutral. Sometimes when we withdraw from the other person or act as if we are detached they become more interested again.)

Question: Do I tell my husband I’ve fallen in love with another man when I don’t want to break up our family?

Answer: I would suggest not telling him if you want to keep your family and marriage together. People get feelings for other people all the time, even when they're married. It doesn't mean you would need to act on these feelings. Temptation is everywhere for our whole lives. Lust and the rush of new love usually fades with a little bit of time. If you have something long-lasting already I wouldn't suggest trading them.

Question: I don't feel turned on anymore by my husband. What can I do or use to get turned on?

Answer: The use of imagination is what turns many women on. Just think about what excites you or has excited you in the past.

Question: I love my husband. I can't even imagine my life without him but I just don't find myself sexually interested in him anymore. I've tried everything to get the attraction back but nothing works. What can I do?

Answer: While it would be difficult to intentionally bring sexual attraction back you can always use fantasy and toys to bring yourself to arousal when your husband is in the mood. After this point, he can help you complete the act. Sexual attraction can wane in marriage, but as long you have the ability to be intimate you can still move forward with it.

Question: I'm thirty-two and have felt depressed forever. I think I love my partner, but how can I know when I feel this bad?

Answer: I understand. I think you know to yourself if you love them. Maybe the love you feel isn't romantic love but more familial, or the love you feel when you are thankful to someone.

Question: My husband doesn't care about being attractive to me in the most basic ways such as basic personal hygiene. I find this a real betrayal but I am nothing to write home about in looks, so I can't do more than ask. I have been very clear about this, but he just doesn't care. How can I help him understand how important it is to our marriage?

Answer: It sounds like he has gotten very comfortable with himself. Would you be willing to lure him into the shower or tub for sex and give him a good scrub down before you get to business? This might sound funny but the promise of intimacy is generally a big motivator for men. Do you know or can you find out what else is a motivator for him? It might get him to clean up.

Question: How can I enjoy sex when my husband can't turn me on?

Answer: See if you can bring yourself to excitement with imagination, toys, or even explicit content. You might find you are able to be intimate then. Don't forget lubricants if you need more help.

Question: I’ve been married for only a couple of years. After we got married my husband found some texts from my past and said very hurtful things. I think he feels anxious because I had more sexual partners than him. Sometimes I feel really sad because I want to feel attracted to him, but I don’t. He thinks he’s unattractive so I don’t want to tell him. I don’t feel attracted to anyone. After giving birth my sex drive changed dramatically and I’ve been depressed. What can I do?

Answer: Your sex drive/depression might change on its own again as our hormones are always changing. But you could always look into medical intervention if you wish. Attraction is only part of marital intimacy. It is part of the expected spousal commitment to engage in physical relations. But you can use the power of imagination/fantasy to get excited in the meantime. As long as you are healed physically, some lubricant should help you where you lack personal moisture. You can also engage in other intimate acts besides intercourse.

Question: I love my husband, I broke up with someone to whom I was extremely attracted for him because he was a good stable provider and intellectual. I think of my ex all the time, and every time I even think of sex. What do I to change my relationship with sex and my ex?

Answer: It was good that you stayed with your husband because he sounds like he has wonderful traits. It's normal to think of someone you have attraction and desire for. If there is a way you can channel that energy into your bedroom with your husband that would be ideal. You can change your thoughts to perhaps think about any time in the past that your husband was exciting to you. You can incorporate a vibrator into your lovemaking to keep the stimulation going as well. This is very useful if your mind isn't helping your body participate.

© 2012 Hearts and Lattes

Comments

Kara A Miller on August 15, 2020:

I’m exceedingly grateful I found this site. I’ve never been sexually attracted to my husband, and that’s worried me because I’m a very sexual woman. My husband is, the only way I can put it, very immature and innocent when it comes to sex (despite being nearly 40 years old). I’m 31 and 7 years younger than him. I don’t think he’d ever been sexually active before we met. We’ve been married for three years, but we haven’t been intimate for nearly 2 of those years. We had sex for the couple of weeks we were on our honeymoon, but I’m adventurous and he’s not and, on top of me feeling like I was forcing myself to be sexual with him, his unwillingness to try things just turned me even more off. His going excuse for not having sex all this time is that we need to wait to have enough money... because he’s only wanting to have sex for a baby. We’re close and I know he loves me, but I feel like he’s my brother, not my husband. I’m desperately unhappy and unfulfilled, but he seems blissfully unaware and I can’t bring myself to tell him how I really feel. I desperately want to have sex, but not with him. I don’t even want to have kids with him. I feel horrible for feeling this way, but day by day, it just gets worse for me. I have fantasies about other men (and women) regularly; I watch porn; I read sexually explicit stories; I use a vibrator when he isn’t home; nothing satisfies me. I feel trapped. He’s a good man, a hard working man, a kind man, and I know if I ever left him he’d fall apart...but I’m so so so unhappy. I just don’t know what to do.

Hayveggies on August 12, 2020:

Oh my word.... how refreshing it is to read that I am not alone... life is so strange but I am so grateful to know that so many women are in the same predicament as I am.

Soonafter marrying... health issues developed for me that prevented us from being intimate for the first couple years, which led him to have an affair. Now I'm here.. not attracted like I used to be... and he is wanting to be intimate but I am not turned on by him... whatsoever. Ugh.

Abc dhing on July 31, 2020:

Hii dear

I have married for 4 years...but my husband is attracted to me...he want to intimate with me but then he started saying the names of another women to fulfill his desires... What should i do? Plz help i love him alot and he loves me also but i don't likh this too

Patricia2212 on July 23, 2020:

Hello, and what if the marriage has been sorta arranged and physical attraction never existed? Even a kiss on the lips does truly nothing. When one also does not feel emotionally attached to their partner would there still be a chance to work things out? My husband is a great husband on paper he has perfect qualities and I feel secure with him but there lacks so much about our marriage. We also share different interests, humor and we both talk at a different level. I feel nothing when he approaches me no excitement nothing... Our relationship feels so superficial. I can't imagine I can ever be intimate with him in the future. When do you know for sure it's time to go for a divorce? I have been married for more than two years now I feel so frustrated and confused I can't seem to develop any feelings for my husband while he's a great guy. Is this normal? Deep down I just know we're not compatible and that he isn't the one for me... To me there's no chemistry in this marriage. I even fantasize about getting married with someone else.... What should I do?

JessieAd on April 20, 2020:

Hi Sasha foster,

I feel your pain and I’m going through the exact same thing you are and I’ve only been married 6 years (together for 13 years) I love my husband but have never been sexually attracted to him and it’s just gotten worse over time, no matter what we try. And now that I realise it’s not a problem with me but I can feel that desire for another man who I can connect with emotionally and physically in such a rare way that it’s the deepest connection I’ve ever felt, it makes me confused about what I should do. Do I Stay in my marriage and honour my commitment and accept that I’ll never be truly happy and never want to have sex or be intimate with my husband.. ? Or do I explore my connection with this other man who has awakened what’s been missing in me even as early on as my first year of my marriage...

Please tell me, what did you decide to do?

Hearts and Lattes (author) on April 08, 2020:

Anonymous Wife, I can sense your dedication to your family, and that is wonderful. Your feelings about your situation are also understandable. A lot of women and men are in your position. Many people marry someone because they would make the ideal spouse character-wise. But the other areas can be lacking, which is how the years have sometimes transpired for you. Women in their late 30s and beyond can start to have lubrication problems and soreness. One solution is an estrogen ring, which helps keep the area more optimal for intimacy. Also, some women have had luck with a combination of lubricants and drinking 10 cups of water a day. But what many people don't discuss is that people's desire tends to wane over the years even when married to someone they are attracted to, because the relationship isn't new and exciting anymore. The estrogen ring might be helpful for you, as well as using lubricant and the drinking water. You could also try oral intimacy if you haven't done so already. This should satisfy him as well. Best wishes.

anonymous wife on April 02, 2020:

Let me start by saying that love is a verb. I believe that marriage is for life. I have stood by my husband through the raising of two children, poor financial decisions, several layoffs and periods of unemployment, serious health issues, putting my dreams on hold for a career that I never wanted, and the list goes on. Not that it’s been all bad; there have been many times of joy. He is my best friend, he treats me well, and we have had a good life together.

But, I’m not sure that I was ever in love with him. I just had the overwhelming feeling that he was the man I was meant to marry, and I never doubted it. I committed to spend the rest of my life with him, and I will never break that promise.

That being said, I no longer have any interest in a physical relationship with him. Which is a serious problem, since he is still very interested, and as his wife, it is my responsibility to provide it. I have never been physically attracted to him. He was a bit chubby when we met, and he has gained more and more weight over the years. He has been 100+ lbs. overweight for many years now.

It didn’t have to happen. He could have cared more about taking care of his body, and I have always tried to help him. He is making more of an effort now that he has become diabetic, but it is too little too late. I find his body repulsive, and really, could anyone blame me? If the situation was reversed, I would totally understand if he didn’t want my body.

To be honest, he has never been able to sexually satisfy me. He is the only person I have ever been intimate with, and from the start, I was always left wanting more after our lovemaking. I think it was over a year before he brought me to climax. Early on in our marriage, I learned to satisfy myself. The first time it was kind of by accident. But when I felt what I had been missing, I kept on doing it, until it became a habit. For many years, I enjoyed our lovemaking, but it was never enough. Gradually, my interest in lovemaking declined, until it became non-existent.

For a while, I could get aroused for our intimate sessions by thinking about romantic scenes from movies or books. I would get myself worked up at times when I knew he would want to make love. Spontaneity didn’t work, because it didn’t allow me time for fantasization. But then, that strategy no longer worked. I would get myself excited, but as soon as he would start something, my body would turn off. People say that touching your partner to please him can arouse yourself, but the thought of doing that to him just disgusts me.

Eventually, he gave up foreplay, because it wasn’t helping. In deference to me, now he only insists on sex once every few months, thankfully, but I dread it every time. It actually has become quite painful for me, even with lubricants.

To him, I blame my lack of desire on menopause. What he doesn’t know, and what I can never tell him, is that I can and do get aroused, just not by him.

So what do I do? Go to therapy? I would be mortified! I doubt any words of advice would be helpful. I just keep hoping that he will lose interest as he ages.

I write this for validation. There must be other women out there in the same situation, right?

I keep telling myself, love is a verb.

Hearts and Lattes (author) on March 21, 2020:

Since this issue is multi-faceted and involves many people, I suggest therapy sessions for you and your husband. Best wishes to you.

confusedasalways3192sgl on March 20, 2020:

Mine is arranged marriage and I chose my husband because he was from IT and thought that he could understand me as well as my career well. He is short and Baldy. I didn't give importance to this even if I had concerns about them because he seemed good. But gradually he started showing his true colours. So after engagement i asked my parents to call the marriage off. They didn't do because many people knew that I am getting married and my parents didn't want to have a bad image. I even informed my husband now that I was not feeling attracted towards him and I am not ready. He also created scene. However we got married. First two months were good. He was very touchy and wanted to have sex always. But I needed some time since I still hadn't had felt emotionally or physically safe with him. I asked him time and suggested that we can be like friends for some time and let's start slowly. But he took this matter to his parents and they all yelled at me for using the term "Friends". They asked me why did they get us married if we had to be like friends. He was sharing all matters of me too with his sister. They make fun of me in their conversation. She insists him to command me. I have asked him not to share everything with his sis. But he took it in a wrong way and blames me that I try to seperate him from his sis. He restricts my office timings. He never takes me on trips. He always thinks about money. He and his family ask me to change company even if he earns pretty well. He wants me to talk more and blames that I don't behave like girl. I make household chores and even cook good. But he is not satisfied of what I do. He blames me that I don't keep my house neat. We have had several discussions and now I don't feel attracted towards him at all. He doesn't agree about his mistakes. He always blames me. I am not able to live with him. After each discussion with family, I help him with sex life too even if I don't feel intimate with him. I try my best. And we were having once in a week. He says that it's not enough. He doesn't give me time to heal and he complains that he has given me one year of time. He always wants things in his way. He commands to have baby just because their family are asking to have. He doesn't agree to have protection during intercourse and asks me to take pills. I don't know what to do. I go mad. I don't want to live with him. We have a big family. They think it's a small problem and ask me to adjust with him. I am not able to live with him. I am having sleepless nights. I have tried to make him understand, but he always takes it in a wrong way. I am going mad daily. I am fighting alone

Hearts and Lattes (author) on October 07, 2019:

Paris, I can imagine this situation is difficult for you. In my experience intimacy solves a lot of problems or makes them better. See if you can be intimate with him soon and on a more regular basis. This might help. Good luck!

Paris Love on October 07, 2019:

Hello, i have been with my significant other for about 6 years, lately i been unattractive to him sexually. it has brought problems to our relationship to the point where he has mention divorce. He asks me if i'm not attracted to him anymore and i cant confess afraid to hurt his feelings. Also he says if i don't have feelings for him he rather go separate ways. I don't want to lose my family. i feel like it can be fix with time but he has no patience.

Hearts and Lattes (author) on July 26, 2019:

Hello, I understand it is very frustrating to be in this very common situation. There are many men and women married to people who are close to ideal spouses but they lack the physical attraction. Whatever you do, please stick to your guns about not sleeping with anyone else while you're married. The desire for mating with a good domestic partner vs good sexual partner has been a struggle throughout all of human history and always will be. Think of it this way as well: There are many women married to men that sexually turn them on but are no good otherwise. They no doubt think about the guy with better traits that got away. There is no perfect resolution. We are all wired to have desires. And when those desires are fulfilled, we want something or someone else. I want to give you an answer that you would love, but I am afraid that there is none. I recommend marital counseling if you seek real help with this issue. Personally I think growing old comfortably with someone you can trust and loves you tops all of the rest. I say that knowing lust can be a very real and ongoing struggle. I wish you all the best.

Sasha Foster on July 26, 2019:

This article really speaks to me, but I really need some help! My husband and I have been married for 9 years, together for 13. I truly do love him, but am not (nor have I ever been) sexually attracted to him.

We don't have any children, but have been trying to have a child for some time. We have a good life and home together, but I miss great sex in my life. I miss being able to get turned on and excited by the man that I am with. I married him for the qualities that you mentioned in this article....he is a good man and provider. He has great husband and father qualities. We do have fun together and enjoy spending time with one another (when we aren't arguing of course). When we first met, I was more attracted to his personality than I was his physical looks. I had convinced myself that this was the man who was meant for me, because he checked all the boxes....except the sex box. However, I knew what great sex was like, but none of the men could amount or compare to the man he is. Those men were crappy and in no way could become good husbands and fathers in my eyes at the time.

So I called it a "sacrifice" and I built a life with a man who made me a better person overall. The sex was awful in the beginning, and it is still awful to this day. Is this how I am supposed to live my sex life? I cringe every time he touches me. He is not sexy and does not turn me on. He is not an ugly man, but just doesn't do anything for me sexually. I do love him, and would like to be sexually attracted to him, but I never have....and don't think I ever will. I had hoped the sexual attraction would grow over the years, but it has not.

So now what? Do I keep pushing an envelope that isn't there? We do have sex, but much of it is forced and faked. We have had decent sexual moment in the past, but they have been few and far between. And most of them have been argument makeup sex, or me settling for my husband after I have gotten turned on by something or something else.

I wish he was the type of person that would be accepting of an "open relationship." I don't necessarily want to give up the life I have, and I think I would miss him if he wasn't around anymore. However, I'm not sure if it's because I will truly miss him or if I would miss the only thing I've known for the last 13+ years.

I have recently met a man that checks every box that I could have ever thought of. I am also much older and know what I want more than what I did in my early 20s. I want to have sex with him SO badly, but am adamant about being good and faithful. This man checks way more boxes than my current husband could ever, and the sexual attraction is absolutely unreal. What am I supposed to do with this? Where am I to go? And who is to say there isn't something wrong with this man too....after all, I have not known him for the amount of time I have known my husband. I know that I am not supposed to have these feelings for another man, and I know the grass isn't always greener on the other side. However, I am so unfilled in my marriage, and my husband just isn't capable of filling the gaps. Do I go on sub-happy and unfulfilled? Do I walk away from my less than perfect situation, knowing the next won't be perfect either, but I struggle about thinking of the 20/30/40 years with the current husband that I have. I'm just not as happy as I would like to be. And my husband naked repulses me. :( There are MANY other issues that arise in our marriage, but this is one I simply do not know how to fix.

Please help!

Hearts and Lattes (author) on April 27, 2019:

Hello Natasha,

It is wonderful that you are embarking on a possible future with a new husband. Beware, yes, your concerns could be a problem in marriage.

You will want to ensure that you will be physically intimate with the man you marry. Because if not it is considered "abandonment of affection" under the law, and grounds for divorce.

People's natural attractiveness is generally highest when they are young adults, so you should expect that someone would not become more physically attractive over time.

People also do not generally change into who we want them to be. You will need to accept this man for who he is and what he looks like, and decide beforehand whether you would sleep with him when married. This will save you both time, money, and heartache.

Finally, note that no one is ever going to be the perfect partner. Physical attraction comes and goes, and is not the best basis for marriage. It sounds like this man has a lot of good traits. We are also not necessarily promised a great man in the future if we pass up a great man today. You will have to make this important decision wisely.

Best of luck to you.

natasha94 on April 25, 2019:

I am 24 and my boyfriend is 29 and we both are from Indian background. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. When he first asked me out, I wasn’t sure but he was being consistent and I thought I should give it a try. everything worked out. During the start of the relationship I was happy with the physical relationship we had however it slowly died down. I love hugging, cuddling, kissing him, sometimes a little more but I don’t feel like having sex with him. I have never had sex with anyone but been more sexually close with my ex-boyfriend than I have with my current boyfriend. he loves me a lot and takes care of me so much. He is financially at a much better position than I am but I look a little more attractive than he does. I don’t have major problems with his looks as such but I think if he looks better it might help me get attracted towards him. I think he could be a great husband except for the fact that I lately don’t find him attractive enough. I start focusing on his little mistakes and get annoyed at him when later on I realise that it wasn’t worth getting annoyed at. I want to marry him and we were thinking of getting engaged but I would like to know if this could cause problems in marriage.

Источник: https://pairedlife.com

I've never been sexually attracted to my partner of 5 years. Is it worth staying in a stable relationship without any intimacy?

  • It's normal to be physically attracted to people outside of your relationship, but the fact that you're sometimes repulsed by your own partner's physical advances is a red flag.
  • Rather than believe emotional stability and sexual satisfaction are mutually exclusive, consider that you may be overcorrecting for previous emotionally-unstable relationships with your current one.
  • Seeing a therapist and doing self-reflection can help you better understand your situation. Only then should you decide whether to stay in or leave the relationship.
  • Have a question for Julia? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously. Read more Doing It Right here. 
  • Visit Insider's homepage for more stories.

My partner and I (I'm 34) have been together for five years. I've never been sexually attracted to him, even though he's an attractive person, both inside and out.

I thought this wouldn't matter since sex seems like a dangerous reason to be in a relationship. Case in point: I've had amazing sex with people that I was in overly dramatic and unstable relationships with.

Recently, however, I've started to even feel repulsed by him even when he kisses me good night. He's a stable, reliable, and trustworthy person, and we're good friends. 

I've also found myself overly attracted to people outside our relationship. I haven't cheated, mostly because I wouldn't want to hurt him, but the urge has been strong. I'm starting to feel afraid that it will always be this way. What should I do?

- San Francisco

Dear San Francisco,

Let me start with this: It's really brave how frank you're being about your relationship, and that vulnerability will help you sort this out.

Although it's normal to be physically attracted to people outside of your relationship, the fact that you're at times repulsed by your own partner's physical advances is a red flag that you have some work to do in the intimacy and self-discovery departments.

The way you framed your current relationship, as one that's stable but lacking intimacy, and your past relationships as ones that were unstable but sexually fulfilling, signals to me that you have come to see those two aspects — emotional stability and sexual satisfaction — as mutually exclusive. That's not the case.

Rachel Wright, a New York City-based therapist said it's possible you're using your current relationship to overcorrect for past relationships you described as unstable.

"It's like you found this person and traded sex for stability instead of finding that middle ground where you get both," Wright said, adding that, as humans, unlike other species, we over-correct for past mistakes all of the time.

Before deciding the fate of your current relationship, Wright suggested you take some time to learn more about yourself and the root of your dualistic relationship mentality. Reading books, attending personal development workshops, and Wright's top suggestion, therapy, could help you do that.

"There's a reason why you've been with him for five years and never been sexually attracted," Wright said.

Sad couple
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It's possible that past trauma has subconsciously informed how you think about romantic relationships. While many people think of trauma as something violent like sexual assault or surviving an accident, Wright told me the cause of a person's trauma could also be less obvious. For example, if your parents left you at home one night as a middle schooler and you felt frightened for those couple of hours, it's possible you carry that feeling into certain situations in your life to this day.

Of course, the only way to unpack this possibility is to chat with a mental health professional like a therapist, and I urge you to do just that. 

I know it can be hard to deal with these overwhelming and conflicting emotions you're feeling towards yourself and your partner. But the way you described your partner, as a person who is loving and shows up for you, tells me he'll be there for you as you learn more about yourself and your needs.

Once you have the tools to better understand your relationship hang-ups, you'll be better equipped to decide whether to continue in your current relationship with a new approach, or to end things with your partner.

Either way, I'm confident you'll come out on the other side prepared to build a relationship that's both emotionally and physically fulfilling — because that's what you deserve.

As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.

Have a question? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously.

Related coverage from Doing It Right:

My partner won't have sex until marriage, but I'm very sexual. Should I have an affair to get it out of my system?

I'm having an affair with my best friend's partner, and he's become manipulative. Should I come clean?

My antidepressants make it difficult to orgasm. How do I tell my partner and make sex fun again?

Источник: https://www.insider.com/never-sexually-attracted-to-longterm-partner-what-do-i-do-2020-2

Are you wondering whether your husband is still attracted to you?

Perhaps he says he’s more attracted to you than ever, but you can’t shake the feeling this isn’t true. 

The fact is: actions speak louder than words.

That’s why I’ve put together this guide packed with the most obvious behavioral clues that your husband is no longer attracted to you. 

If he’s displaying some of the signs in this guide, that tells you all you need to know. 

But, before we get started, it’s important you read the following sentences carefully. 

If your husband is showing these signs that he’s not attracted to you, there is a significant chance that he’s getting his sexual kicks elsewhere. 

Now, this isn’t guaranteed. But it is something you might want to investigate.

Recently, I discovered this powerful communications tracker tool, which a lot of women are using to keep tabs on partners they suspect of being unfaithful.

It’s the perfect tool for the job, as it’s 100% discreet. 

All you need to do is type a few of your husband’s details into the algorithm, then this tool can begin to scour information about his recent communications. 

You’ll find out who he’s calling and texting the most, what online services he’s using, whether he’s using alternate phone numbers, plus a lot more. 

If he is doing the dirty behind your back, this tool will make it really obvious really quickly.

This might be something you want to clear up, before addressing his lack of attraction to you. If so, I’d urge you to download this tool so you can learn the truth about what’s going on behind your back. 

Below, I have listed 20 worrying signs that your husband is no longer attracted to you.

Contents

Signs My Husband Isn't Attracted To Me Anymore

1. Sex Life Goes Off The Cliff

Sex Life Goes Off The Cliff

The sex lives of men are everything! So, when it ceases to exist, this will be a huge red flag for me, and it should be for you too. It is especially alarming if your sex life, which used to be great, suddenly goes out the window. No doubt, men are highly physical creatures, and more often than not, their love language involves physical intimacy; therefore, the lack of it is worrying and could be a sign of incoming relationship problems, as well as the fact that he is no longer physically attracted to you. 

Furthermore, even if the sex life might still be there, if it feels perfunctory and leaves you unsatisfied, these are all signs that something is wrong. This is because when there is physical attraction, men are like horn dogs, unable to keep their hands off you. So, if your significant other refrains from touching you, it’s a sign there is a problem that needs to be addressed. The truth is – being honest with your feelings is the best way forward.

2. He’s No Longer Romantic

Roses at your workplace, impromptu date nights, little love notes stuck on the fridge door– these are the staple of a romantic relationship; no doubt, we all get a high when the person we love does this for us. But if you’ve been married for a while, and suddenly your partner no longer enjoys any of these things, I can understand how worrying it will be. 

Consequently, many of us tend to think that because we’re married, it’s normal to lose a bit of romance, but this isn’t true; marriage isn’t a death knell for romance. Conversely, married men are incredibly romantic (hence why they’re a catch for many single women). So, if your partner isn’t going out of his way to the things that triggered your love for him in the first place, this is a clear sign that something needs to be fixed. 

3. He Doesn’t Reach Out To Communicate

Communication is important in any relationship and is the cornerstone of any marriage. Think about it; you’re stuck with this person, hopefully forever, so you’re going to need to talk to them, right? Additionally, the communication goes beyond just ‘what do you want for dinner,’ and it should cover a myriad of topics. 

Hence, if your partner doesn’t seek to engage you in deep conversation or isn’t willing to talk about anything beyond mundane everyday stuff, it could indicate that you no longer stimulate him. For instance, if for a long time, you’ve always known him for his funny banter and jokes about why he thinks his boss’ head looks like a pineapple, but he no longer feels the need to amuse you, then something is up. Certainly, it’s a sign there is a problem that needs to be addressed.

4. He Listens But Doesn’t Engage

This is a much bigger problem than you might realize. You might be thinking, ‘But he listens to me and agrees with everything I say,’ and while it is great that he listens, it doesn’t mean he is there. This is because, in most healthy relationships, your husband doesn’t just listen, but he gives his opinions and sometimes doesn’t even agree with you.

Therefore, if your husband just listens to you listlessly and doesn’t go out of his way to offer his take or opinion on a matter, it’s one of the clear signs that he’s no longer attracted to you. Furthermore, it could be that he has completely lost interest in trying to engage you and have stimulating conversations. 

So, the next time you have a conversation with your partner, check to see if he is not only listening but also if he is processing the information and giving you some sort of feedback. 

5. He Flirts With Other Women

This is especially bad as it not only shows that he isn’t attracted to you, but that he is searching for something, or someone, else. Your husband should regularly flirt with you because he finds you attractive and wants you to know it; hence, if he is giving that attention elsewhere, then it’s a problem.

It’s also worth noting that this problem could arise due to a decline in your sex life or some other factors that cause him to cast his attention somewhere else. So, examine the situation and determine a course of action. That said, this sort of behavior is especially worrying because it also means that your husband isn’t going out of his way to show you the respect you deserve, especially if he is flirting openly. 

6. He Makes It Difficult To Spend Time Together

He Makes It Difficult To Spend Time Together

Now, it is necessary to note that spending time apart isn’t bad for a relationship as it makes your reunion even sweeter. However, if you don’t spend any time together at all, it eats away at the relationship until there is nothing left of the connection that initially brought you two together. 

Moreover, time spent together should be a priority for your husband, and when it reduces, your alarm bells should start ringing. This is because periods you and your partner spend with each other are opportunities to understand each other even better, which is something your husband should be interested in. But, if he appears reluctant to spend the time necessary and always comes up with excuses to be away, then it is one of the clear signs that he simply isn’t interested.

7. He Spends Time But Doesn’t Have Fun

On the other hand, if your husband is spending time with you, but appears not to be having fun, that’s another problem. However, this lack of interest or attraction doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you; it just means he doesn’t want to tear your clothes off. While this situation might suit some women just fine, many want to be the object of lust for their significant other. 

For instance, if you and your hubby sit quietly in a room, or take long walks together, but he doesn’t try to initiate intimacy (not necessarily sex) then it might indicate that he wants to spend time with you, but isn’t really interested in you sexually

On the flip side, it’s possible he still spends time with you and takes those walks as you would like, or still helps out in the kitchen; however, if your normally jovial husband isn’t making jokes or being goofy, and you are the one acting clownish instead, it’s very likely he doesn’t really enjoy your company which is one of the warning signs might not be attracted to you anymore – no doubt, this is pretty hurtful. 

8. He Talks To You Like A Buddy/Pal

First off, friendship in a relationship is vital; hence why many women choose to marry their best male friends; however, there’s also a reason why many of us choose not to do so. Answer this; what does your partner have that your next best friend doesn’t? Attraction – no doubt, that’s what sets a lover apart from a friend.

Therefore, if that attraction goes away and all that you’re left with is a good friend, there’s nothing else to set your husband apart from a really good male friend. Likewise, men also see it this way, and if he is only talking to you like a roommate, then it’s likely he no longer lusts after you.

More so, if all your chats are friendly without a slight bit of perviness thrown into the mix, then it’s certainly something to think about. In such instance, ask yourself – is your sex life great? Has he lost interest? Does he want something else? These are all questions that might bug you when this happens. 

9. He’s Affectionate, But Not Intimate

This is tricky. After all, it might not be easy to notice at first because it seems like your husband is acting normal, but then his mind might be elsewhere. Besides, it’s even harder if your husband is busy because you might easily mistake it for fatigue. 

So, your partner comes home from work and hugs you and goes off to bed. Or, maybe he even asked about your day and listened to you while cuddled up. Yet, you feel that bit of distance; his hand running through your hair feels mechanical, he’s holding you and doesn’t even once try to sneak a cheeky hand under your shirt. All these actions point at a husband who probably loves you, but isn’t attracted to you. 

Naturally, when someone loves you, they don’t need a special occasion or reason to want to get intimate. Also, there’s a feeling of warmth that radiates and envelopes you indicating that you are valued and loved. So, if this is missing, then there might be a problem.

10. He Places His Needs Over Yours

Love is selfless, and more often than not, if someone loves you, they will put your needs over theirs. On the flip side, selflessness is also pretty sexy, as this research shows. But, what if he places his needs over yours and doesn’t display the sexiness you used to associate with him? Again, this is one of the signs your husband doesn’t find you as attractive.

As mentioned above, selflessness is sexy, but not only to the receiver, but the giver also uses this skill to show love and attraction. In such cases, more often than not, the man finds the girl physically attractive enough to perform a selfless act. 

With all that said, finding out that your husband now prefers to do things without considering how you might feel about it is painful, but even worse, it is a sign that he might not be attracted to you anymore. 

11. Conversations Become Awkward

Conversations Become Awkward

Remember when your partner first came into your life? How easy the two of you could communicate, how easy it was to say ‘I love you,’ or how effortlessly the conversation flowed? Well, it was all easy back then as you were both in love at the time. But now, you find that conversations are hard to go through, or you don’t feel as comfortable when spending time with him. All these things show that your man might not be attracted to you anymore. 

That said, it isn’t uncommon for couples to have some awkward conversations one way or another. For example, when talking about your sex life, or when discussing your finances. However, if every conversation takes an awkward turn, again, it’s one of the signs there is a huge problem

In fact, the lack of quality communication could be the reason for the awkwardness, or maybe the both of you have forgotten how easy it is to converse, or he just doesn’t find you attractive enough to want to try harder at the conversation.

12. He Doesn’t Talk Excitedly About The Future

It is generally accepted that women are the planners of the relationship. We’re the ones that talk about the future; ours, our hubby’s, everyone's! That said, men are just as invested in the future, and most couples usually plan their life together. 

Now, one way or another, if you find out your husband is hoping for a big promotion to subsequently buy a vacation home, the two of you haven’t yet discussed it, such behavior is a big old red flag and is one of the possible signs that your significant other is not attracted to you anymore. 

Furthermore, it could also be that he, perhaps, doesn’t see you in his life anymore and is no longer interested in you physically. If that’s the case, it’s best to be open and discuss your feelings; you can try and bring that topic up and if he tries to avoid talking, then that is another one of the signs that all is not well. 

13. He’s Distant

As noted earlier, when your husband hugs you, the warmth that radiates is evident, and you know that you are loved. But when it’s absent, you also notice it, and it shows if he puts some emotional distance between both of you. 

Also, it might not only be the hugs; he might be more distant, less attentive, or more curt than usual. And while all this might be a symptom of stress, it might also be a sign that he is not attracted to you anymore or has something else in mind. 

14. He Chooses Porn Over You

He Chooses Porn Over You

Your husband watching some porn to get his rocks off is not much of a problem. However, it becomes one if he prefers to engage with the screen rather than with you. Such behavior means that your sex life is lacking something, and he just isn’t into you physically anymore. 

Importantly, it should be noted that porn addiction is real and could be the reason he is spending more time on smutty websites; even then, he should want to have sex with you. Therefore, if he prefers some lotion and the fantasy of another woman, it’s one of the clear signs that he doesn’t view you as worthy of his lust. 

15. He Doesn’t Get Jealous Anymore

Jealousy is a rather sexy emotion in the right doses. Just like salt, when added with care, spices up a meal, jealousy can spice up a relationship and even ramps up the physical attraction between couples. On the flip side, when added liberally, it is no longer sexy, but creepy and toxic. But, there’s a third scenario; what if it’s not there at all?

While you might assume you have a mature man right there, it could also be that he doesn’t believe you are worth getting jealous over. Jealousy is a huge component in attraction because, to a man, it means that he sees this woman in his life forever and doesn’t want her with anyone else. But, if other men flirt with you and he doesn’t even raise an eyebrow, it could also point to the fact that he is not attracted to you anymore.

That said, you need to be careful that your man isn’t just hiding his jealousy. Also, not flipping out because your colleague paid you a compliment doesn’t mean he isn’t jealous. But, if he pays no attention when things like this happen or doesn’t even indicate that he noticed, or maybe also encourages it, that might mean he is not attracted to you anymore.

Have you ever finished a video game 100%? If you have, then you know what comes next– you drop it and move on to the next game. That’s the same thing many couples face when they feel like there’s nothing left to know about their partner’s life.

Part of your allure is the mystery. This is the reason men try to understand us or know us better. However, it is a double-edged sword as it also means that when everything is revealed, we lose the mystery.

However, there are still those of us who can play the same video game over and over again, without getting bored. Likewise, a loving husband never gets bored with his wife and sees her in his life forever. On the flip side, a husband who has lost interest behaves like he knows everything about you and there is nothing exciting left; in fact, the thought of you in his life might appear burdensome.

For example, let’s say you both get into an argument, and he already assumes he knows what you’re going to say, accompanied with an eye-roll, it’s likely he doesn’t think you have anything new to offer and is tired of having you around.

17. He Gets Bored Easily With You

Does your hubby play games or engage in other activities when you are pouring your heart out to him? Or perhaps you catch him staring out of the window in boredom during your usual morning conversations over coffee? These behaviors indicate lost interest and could be signs that he doesn’t find you stimulating and is bored in your presence.

While it isn’t impossible for you and your husband to be bored even when in each other’s company, it is a problem if you are having fun, but he isn’t. If this is the case in your relationship, you might need to take action. Hence, you can talk to him to find out why he is bored, and if his answer is non-committal or random and it happens repeatedly, then there’s obviously something wrong. 

18. He’s Always Picking Fights

Couples fight, and it is a natural part of a relationship. However, what isn’t normal is if your hubby looks for any excuse to get into a fight with you, and this has been going on for a long time. 

While it could be his subtle way of letting you know something else going on, or that he isn’t attracted to you. Furthermore, if your partner seems reluctant to make up after an argument (especially if it wasn’t huge to begin with), then it might mean the two of you are on the verge of a divorce. Moreover, he might be orchestrating the fights to get away from you or as an excuse not to talk or even have sex. All of these are indicators that the appeal is gone. 

19. Something Doesn’t Feel Right

Something doesn't feel right

A woman's intuition is a special thing. When a woman feels like something is missing from the relationship, there’s a valid reason. It might not be anything overt; just the tiny things such as hugging a second shorter, speaking with a little less expression– it could be anything. So, examine your relationship and ask if you still feel like everything is okay. 

Relationships evolve as do feelings, but love should usually remain no matter what, so if your husband starts to feel off, you might be right.

FAQs

What To Do If You Are Not Attracted To Your Husband?

This could happen, and in such a case, the first thing to do is find out if it can be recaptured. Consequently, if the attraction can be regained, then work towards it. But, if it can’t, then ask if it’s due to lack of love, and ponder what it means to walk away from the relationship over this. 

Why Is My Husband Not Interested In Me Sexually?

There are a lot of reasons why this could happen, ranging from a lack of love to mental issues. Whatever the reason, ask if the other aspects of your relationship still works because if they don’t, then the lack of sex might be indicative of a much larger problem.

Can A Marriage Survive Without Physical Attraction?

Yes. While physical attraction is important and is a huge part of why you are together in the first place, it isn’t the be-all and end-all. This is because several factors can lead to losing your lust for your partner, from weight to health. However, if you still love the person, the relationship can persist.

How Do You Tell If Your Husband Is No Longer Attracted To You?

We have taken a look at a few signs that stand out when your partner is no longer attracted to you. Furthermore, if it’s been a long time your partner has lost interest, something changes; in fact, something always changes. So, it’s up to you to find what that is and determine if your husband is still attracted to you.

How Do You Tell If Your Husband Is No Longer Attracted To You?

This is somewhat complicated, but it usually involves some sort of disconnect between you and your partner. That said, it could come from either of you, but if the connection is gone from the marriage and there is no interest to work on it or make it right, then your marriage is probably over.

To Conclude…

I hope you enjoyed the list. It is important to determine if your husband is no longer attracted to you because you can do something about it if you realize it early enough. Also, if you have thoughts you’d like to share, leave a comment below. And if you enjoyed reading this, don’t forget to share it.

Sarah Mayfield

As hopeless romantic I struggled tremendously in my love life. After many years of searching, trial & error, and countless failed relationships, I finally found my Mr. Right. It wasn't an easy road, but one that has taught me an incredible amount about the workings of relationships between men and women, and this is what I hope to share through my writing on this blog.

Источник: https://romantific.com/signs-my-husband-not-attracted-me/
i m not attracted to my husband

I m not attracted to my husband -

What to do if your spouse isn’t attracted to you anymore 

Request for help from Julie whose husband no longer finds her attractive

Such a challenging subject!

“I don’t find you attractive anymore.” may be thought of as slightly more accusing than “I’m no longer attracted to you.” which might suggest taking some responsibility – there is a difference.

However, doubtless, it feels the same to you and its effect on you is probably a sense of utter devastation for you.

On one end of the scale, it may be an attempt to get you to take notice out of genuine concern for you and the survival of your marriage. But, on the other end of the scale, it’s a superficial, potentially abusive remark.

Here’s Julia’s letter – you decide which end of the scale his remark sits…

“My husband and I got married (we lived together for a year prior) and everything began to change. I got pregnant on our honeymoon which we both planned to do but everything just became different.

He became distant and we got into a lot of arguments. The love he used to show me stopped. I began to overcompensate, thinking it would help, but it didn’t.

He used to look at me like I was the most beautiful woman in the world then started looking at other women that way, while I stood next to him.

I finally blew up and was destroyed by what he told me. He told me that life and making love with me was boring, he told me he fantasized about what those women’s physical relationship was like, he told me if I lost weight I’d be more attractive and that he wanted me to dress differently and get all ‘dolled up’ as he put it.

I felt and still feel sick to my stomach about his confessions.

To me, it feels like I’m no longer good enough and he wants me to become someone else. I feel like I need to perform in the bedroom and I no longer feel good about myself.”

Read on if you, like Julie, no longer feel loved…

Plain vertical banner with crying emoticon. Text: 9 signs your spouse is no longer physically attracted to you.

8 signs your husband isn’t attracted to you anymore

Here are the most common signs your husband is no longer attracted to you. (The same counts for any other gender!)

  1. He has changed his behaviour towards you.
  2. He makes no effort to please you in any way.
  3. He treats you with contempt.
  4. He stonewalls you (deliberately ignoring you completely).
  5. He stays out longer and more often (at work, out with friends, etc.).
  6. He no longer compliments or thanks you for anything.
  7. He criticises the way you look – your hair, your clothes, your body.
  8. He turns away from you when you turn towards him or her.

11 signs your husband is no longer physically attracted to you

  1. He avoids going to bed with you at the same time
  2. He avoids looking at you when you’re naked
  3. He no longer spontaneously touches you
  4. He appears to just ‘go through the motions’ when making love
  5. He may kiss you, but it’s so short and lacking in passion and warmth that you immediately feel rejected
  6. He pushes you away when you’re seeking a physical connection
  7. He seldom initiates making love
  8. He’s reluctant to pleasure you
  9. He pushes you away
  10. He may come up with all sorts of excuses when you want to make love
  11. He turns away from you when you turn towards them.

Is it like that for you too?

Has your spouse avoided commenting on that outfit you just bought, said something derogatory or brushed you off completely?

It’s no surprise then if you feel unloved, rejected and insecure.

It’s time to take action!

First of all – this is an uncomfortable one but has to be said – particularly if your spouse turns away from you when you turn toward them check in with your dentist. If you have an infection in your mouth (or a digestive problem), your breath might cause your spouse to turn away.

So, the next thing to do is to take my test (no email needed) to find out if the two of you are actually compatible…

Just in case you were questioning your compatibility…

My advice to Julie and you, if don't think your husband is attracted to you anymore

I am so sorry to know how you've been so hurt by your husband's remarks, Julie. I can totally understand that this has undermined your self-esteem. Oh, how you wish he'd be a supportive, caring and considerate husband.

I've written an article on building self-esteem as, sadly, you're not the first person to write to me with this kind of problem.

My advice to you, Julie, is as follows:

1. You've had a huge shock. I suspect his words felt like a slap in your face. :-(

As well as being terribly hurt, angry and dismayed, you're grieving. You're mourning the loss of the relationship as it was and the man you thought you had married.

You now need a little time to come to terms with the new situation. Only then will you be better able to figure out what to do about it.

2. Check you're not in an abusive relationship

From what you tell me, your partner has been particularly blunt and unkind. But, was he perhaps also abusive? I wonder if there have been any other worrying signs? Follow that link now and then come back here.

If you've recognised even some of those signs, it's important that you seek help. The very fact that he changed so suddenly after you got married makes me think he deliberately wanted to hurt you. I am so sorry, but that really is not a good sign.

3. Consider couples therapy or relationship coaching

When your husband is no longer attracted to you, going for couples therapy or getting some online relationship coaching is a really good idea. Julie, your husband may well be up for that because clearly he is also unhappy however badly he's expressed it. It will also give you a chance to address any other relationship problems you might have.

4. Consider if you find your weight a problem and why that is

II know how very challenging life can be when you're overweight. You may have tried - goodness knows how many times - one diet after another!

t's all too easy to feel you're worth less when you're living in a bigger body. You may even hate your own body! The last thing you need, is a partner who tops up the shame and blame with which society in general already saddles you.

I'd recommend you get some help feeling at home in your own body - if indeed you don't (I may have got that wrong of course, not knowing you). You'll need to feel strong, able to claim your space, to cope with the situation.

Self-hypnosis with the help of a professionally produced audio download is an excellent way to help you boost your self-esteem. It's user-friendly, affordable and effective for any challenging situation. You might, for example, also like the Boost your self-esteem pack. To discover how that might work, hop over to my article FAQ about hypnosis and downloads.

Remember to be grateful for your body - it's beautiful regardless. It does sooo much for you - beautifully, automatically and reliably! Love your body and be proud of it - regardless of its measurements and looks. And don't forget: beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

With regards to the latter - if by any chance your husband has been a frequent visitor of sites with adult material, he may have been conditioned to respond to 'refashioned' bodies. His brain has been overstimulated and now responds only to a different version of reality.

Don't ever think you need to compete with po*n stars!

Please note, though, there is one reason you really do have to worry about your weight gain. That is when you're addicted to food and binge-eating because they're definitely signs you're not happy with yourself!

Photo: beautiful young woman, hair flying in the wind. Quote: 'Be yourself, everyone else is already taken up.' - Oscar Wilde


Hiding how you're truly feeling about something means you're going to have to lie on occasions. And lying inevitably damages trust. Being open and honest with your significant other is an essential relationship skill.

5. Your husband is blunt and humiliating but honest about finding you unattractive

Whilst your husband expressed himself very inconsiderately, I would argue: abusively, he was perhaps honest. His remarks sadly reflect society's beauty standards - to idealise thin bodies and see bigger bodies as a problem.

This now does offer the opportunity for you to be open and honest about how you feel, calmly, clearly and decisively. Discussing challenging subjects is a relationship skill you can learn, practice and continually improve. Opening up the channels of communication can help you deal better with relationship issues in general.

Be sure to stand up for yourself and guard your boundaries. Firmly challenge his disparaging remarks with something like: "I feel terribly hurt and humiliated by your attitude and remarks. I absolutely expect to be treated with respect. And, I have every right to dress as I wish."

I'd also like to refer you to this Making Peace with Your Body course (opens in a new tab) - just in case you need it.

Talk to a relationship coach now

I have partnered with the #1 relationship-coaching service Relationship Hero.
Their diverse team of qualified and experienced relationship coaches is available 24/7.
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6. Ask him what he does find attractive (not concerning the 'outer wrapper')

You both need to get into the habit of reminding each other what you do like, love and find attractive about each other.

7. Talk about your love-making

It's all too easy to avoid talking about precisely what you like and don't like, but you really do need to communicate about how you make love. If you don't, you're much more likely to be groping about in the dark (pardon the pun!). Talking about your physical relationship is really important. You can't read each other's mind.

To get some ideas on how to open up that conversation, read my article on what to do if you're no longer making love.

8. Consider getting some personal counselling or coaching

You do really need to open up to someone about your concerns.

I recommend again that you connect with an expert relationship coach online. This is a paid, but - in comparison with face-to-face counselling - a cost-effective and much more flexible service.

Alternatively, reach out to a trusted friend or family member. Do read my article on how to get the best relationship advice to help you identify the right kind of person to talk to.

9. Take my comprehensive relationship test

The two of you need a very frank conversation about how important it is to treat each other with respect and kindness.

However, I suspect that there may well be difficulties in other aspects of your relationship too. If so, my advice would be to take my Comprehensive Relationship Test to help you figure out if and how you can save your marriage.

10. Further reading

You may also be interested in these articles:
24 Healthy Relationship Tips
How to 'Make' Your Partner Fall in Love with You Again
How to Fix Your Relationship or Marriage

11. Marriage shouldn't be a sacrifice

To build a healthy relationship, you have to be able to compromise. However, I want you to consider honestly if you're valuing yourself enough. Or do you feel you're sacrificing your needs too often in favour of pleasing your partner?

Only you can answer that question. You shouldn't have to lose yourself when trying to please your husband or partner. Instead, according to Dr Arthur Aron, in a close couple relationship you include the other in the self, he or she becomes part of who you are. Notice the difference?

I've developed a free worksheet to help you assess what's really going on for you...

Free printable worksheet

Ecover worksheet Reclaim Yourself. Answer these probing questions

When all else fails, you may - at some point - want to consider whether it's really worth investing any more energy into this marriage. I don't want you to do that right now though. Start with fighting for the survival of your marriage - there still appears much to fight for (unless this is an abusive relationship).

Julie, I can totally understand if you're considering ending your marriage. So, just in case - see my articles on how to end a long-term relationship.

I do hope this is of some help you, Julie and I wish you all the best for a happier future - you are worth it

Remember - you are far stronger than you think you are!

Warm regards,

Signature: Elly Prior

Talk to a relationship coach

Connect now with an understanding, non-judgemental, expert relationship coach for immediate help and support.

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What to Do If You're Not Sexually Attracted to Your Husband

I love writing about relationships and helping my readers navigate all their ups and downs.

Not being sexually attracted to your husband is a more prevalent problem than you may think. Many women are married to men that they aren't sexually attracted to. Perhaps they were never attracted to them, to begin with, or perhaps over time they became less and less attracted. Sometimes the wives love their husbands, sometimes they like them, and sometimes they don't. There is a lot you can do to help ensure this lack of attraction doesn't affect your marriage for long.

In this article, I will discuss the importance of sex in marriage, some common reasons women aren't attracted to their husbands sexually, and what to do about it for both wives and husbands.

Expectations That Come With Marriage

There are certain expectations that go with being married to someone else, and one of those is centered around the notion of intimacy. A married couple is expected to be physically and emotionally intimate with each other, and specifically, a lack of physical intimacy can cause problems in the relationship, both emotional and legal.

The legal system in the United States considers a consistent lack of marital sex as a reason for divorce. "Abandonment of Affection" means that one spouse has left the other spouse in the cold in the bedroom. Thus, there is added pressure to be intimate with your spouse, which can be problematic if you are not sexually attracted to them. Many women feel that they are under constant pressure to engage in intimate acts with their husbands, and such pressures only exasperate the problem many women have when it comes to being attracted to their spouse.

Another angle to consider is that your husband loved you enough to marry you, which is an increasingly rare expression of love by men in our modern era. He does care about you deeply, and he is most likely just as concerned as you are about the lack of attraction you feel for him. Solving this issue will take the combined efforts of both parties; it is not up to you to try to fix everything by yourself.

Reasons Why Women Are Not Attracted to Their Husbands

There are plenty of reasons why you may not be attracted to your husband. The important thing to consider is what you can do to remedy those issues. Open communication is a good place to start. If you do not let your husband know that you are feeling this way, that will only make the situation worse. Keep the dialog between the two of you open.

  1. You married him because he had great "husband" qualities: He treats you well, he works 40 hours a week, and your likes and interests match up. However, you were never sexually attracted to him from the beginning of the relationship. He provides the emotional stability you crave, but he cannot please you physically.
  2. He has physically changed over the years: You don't find his appearance to be a turn-on anymore. Perhaps he is balding or 50 pounds heavier than when you met. All you know is that he doesn't look like the sexy guy you married anymore. Maybe he also dresses like a slob, and he has let his hair get way too long.
  3. He has said or done things that have hurt you over time: You no longer see him as agreeable to your senses. You have learned about the chinks in his armor, and you feel like you can't turn back from this. Now you see all of his flaws and focus in on them, poking holes in everything he does.
  4. He has stopped being attracted to you: Attraction is a two-way street so it is possible that your husband is no longer interested in having sex with you, which in turn can cause you to feel the same way. He may also no longer be expressing his love for you in a way that you understand and accept. Let your husband know what turns you on and what he can do to be more affectionate.

How to Become More Attracted to Your Husband

Here are some strategies for you to try out. They may help develop more attraction towards your husband or at least cause his attractiveness to increase in your eyes.

  • Do something thrilling and exciting: Studies from the American Psychological Association have shown that doing thrilling and exciting activities increases sexual attraction in couples. So, try to pick an activity that neither of you has done before, something that will get the blood moving and the adrenaline pumping. You can try zip-lining, hang gliding, skydiving, going to a rock concert, go-cart racing, or something else that breaks up your mundane routine.
  • Stare deeply into his eyes: While this may sound weird, there is scientific evidence to support that gazing deeply into someone else's eyes for an extended period will increase your attraction to them. Yes, just staring into your husband's eyes for minutes on end may seem a bit creepy but it is worth a shot. The trick is not to say anything and keep your eyes wide open. Start out by trying it for about two minutes straight and see how you feel.
  • Get lost in the feeling: The next time the two of you get intimate, focus on how he makes you feel, what you like, and dislike. Don't worry about how your husband looks, how you look, about how you don't get along, or about past mistakes he's made. Forget it all and get lost in how the sensation feels of being touched in the right places. You will be amazed at what the promise of an orgasm does for your level of sexual interest, and what an orgasm for both of you will do for your relationship. Trying to establish that deep physical bond is difficult, so that is why keeping the lines of communication open with your husband is critical.
  • Imagine your husband in his best state: Do you remember when your husband was at his fittest? Do you remember the days before he said those things that hurt your feelings? Do you remember when you had that great date together—long ago—that made you feel loved, secure, and happy? Marriage, as you know, takes a great deal of work. As time passes, we forget some of the magic if we don't actively refine our appreciation for the better parts of our spouses. Whether the magic was based on physical attraction, a deep sense of caring, love, or affection, you can harness that into physical love. How? By relaxing, using your imagination to take you back to the better parts, and opening yourself up, literally. You will probably find there is a lot more to love that you just forgot about over the years.

Why Sex Is Important in Marriage

As I've previously discussed, maintaining a healthy sexual relationship is an integral part of any marriage. Here are a few reasons why being intimate with your spouse is important for your well-being.

  1. Sex bonds a husband and wife together through the production of oxytocin, the hormone released during orgasm that increases feelings of love and attachment between the couple.
  2. The power of touch. Both sexual and romantic touching increases the feeling of intimacy between a couple. Since this touching is reserved for a husband and wife only, the idea is that no one else in the world can provide you pleasure the way your spouse does.
  3. Women who experience regular orgasms or heightened sexual pleasure report better moods and happier lives. Sex relieves stress in both women and men, and this makes your walk through life a more pleasant one, despite the ups and downs of daily existence. In The Sex-Starved Marriage, by Michele Weiner Davis, the author explores just how much the mood of your marriage will improve with more frequent sex.
  4. When you and your husband have a consistent level of sex, it improves his tendencies as an empathetic partner, and he will reciprocate that level of pleasure to you. This need for consistent pleasure is biologically wired into men and women.

As you can see from the points above, consistent sex improves your attachment to him and your bond as a married couple, and it is a critical component of a healthy marriage.

What to Do If Your Wife Is Not Physically Attracted to You

While this article has primarily been focused on women, here are some steps for men to follow to increase their attractiveness in the eyes of their spouse.

Read More From Pairedlife

  • Get in better shape: It can be easy for a married man to let himself go and start getting out of shape. Develop an exercise routine that is based around increasing strength and losing fat. This is the same approach you should apply to your eating patterns: cut out processed junk food and eat sensibly.
  • Dress and look better: This may seem like a no-brainer, but many men think that they can grow out their hair and dress terribly because they are married. Get a good haircut and start grooming yourself regularly. Go out and by some stylish clothes that fit your body and make you look and feel great.
  • Focus on her: Instead of always thinking about your pleasure and satisfaction, try to keep your attention on your wife and her needs. Keep an open line of communication and develop a strategy to work on getting back the intimacy you once had.
  • Go to marriage counseling: Seeing a good family/marriage therapist can help you and your wife work through your intimacy issues. Chances are if there are problems in the bedroom, there are other problems in your marriage that are not being addressed the correct way.

Final Note

Whatever you do, as long as you wish to remain married, working on sexual desire and intimacy should be a priority. It will be highly rewarding for both you and your spouse. Sex can bring magic back into your marriage or help place it there when there really wasn't much to begin with. Two people in a marriage are constantly evolving. You can choose how to evolve.

Related Articles:

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

Questions & Answers

Question: What if I am sexually attracted to someone other than my husband?

Answer: You are likely to be sexually attracted to different people your whole life, simply because it's natural. You only need to not act on those urges with others.

Question: I have a boyfriend whom I love very much, but whenever he touches me I don't feel romantic, though he does all kind of romantic touches. Do I have any physical problem?

Answer: Probably not. Not being physically attracted to someone doesn't mean you have a physical problem. Love and physical attraction are sometimes not felt towards the same person.

Question: I really care for my husband, but lately, I don't want him touching me. I don't feel attracted to him. Is there something wrong with me?

Answer: No, your feelings can change about another human being at any time. Many wives and husbands go through phases like this, but it is best to find a way to be intimate still.

Question: I am a very sexual person, but when I look at my husband, I don’t want to do anything with him. He watches porn and no matter how many times I tell him it’s not attractive to me, it continues in secrecy. Am I asking for too much? Can this even be solved?

Answer: I am going to give you some unconventional advice. You might be asking for too much. If his negative behavior is limited to watching porn, and he doesn't cheat on you, try using your own fantasies/toys, etc. to get aroused and sleep with him. You did not say whether you two have an active sex life with each other, so I am trying to cover all bases. Is it possible that a lack of intimacy could be causing his behavior in some part? Many married men watch porn in secret. If they don't do this then they probably undress women in public with their eyes even when their girlfriends or wives are with them anyway. This is with having an active sex life.

There is no way to stop a man from desiring to look at the female form, but you could reduce his rate of watching porn with a fully active sex life. I give you this advice with the idea that you are interested in staying in your marriage. Another alternative is marital counseling for both of you to address the issue. Also consider that married women sometimes watch porn out of convenience when they don't feel like going through a full sex act or if they have fantasies they don't share with anyone, even their husbands. Women also look at men they find sexually attractive in public. Not that these last two things pertain to you, but both men and women have desires. If you can find a way to take the first step and enjoy sex regularly with your husband you might find some of this issue dissolves on its own.

Although I don't really condone watching pornography when a person is married, I'm approaching this from the angle that many people do it anyway.

Question: I love my husband, but I feel as if I could be in love with another man. Is this wrong?

Answer: I am not going to judge you though I do believe it is wrong. However, people's feelings are a natural part of being alive, and many go through these feelings every single day. What happens in your mind is different from what you play out in life, with the latter making the difference in your and other people's lives.

Question: My wife enjoys sex when we have it, but never expresses any sexual desire for me. She is sometimes “in the mood” and lets me know, but I never feel any passion from her and it’s usually me who initiates. This has always been true for twenty years. Am I wrong for feeling that she’s not attracted to me?

Answer: No, but I don't think she really lacks attraction for you. Not all women have the same level of extroversion when it comes to sex either. If she is in the mood she is coming to you, so I think it warrants saying she has some king of desire for you. Believe it or not many women are shy about sex and sexual thoughts even when they're married. You could try asking her about fantasies or any moves she'd like you to make. And see if you can follow up for her. You can be honest and try talking to her about how you feel, if you haven't done so already. Encourage her to be open with you. It could be that how she acts towards sex is simply what she thinks is normal. Best wishes.

Question: How do I get my husband to understand my feelings if he is very hard to talk to?

Answer: I am guessing you are talking about this as an overall theme in marriage, and it's actually very common.

A lot of men are not in tune with dealing with aspects regarding feelings of other people, so your husband would not be alone in this. Similarly many men have gruff personalities, especially when it comes to disagreements.

If you've had a chance to tell him your feelings he probably knows them. He might not understand/relate to them/agree with them simply because he is a man and a different individual with a different perspective.

You can state to him that you feel it is difficult to talk to him and because of this you don't think he understands your feelings. But since we are not able to change other people you might find his behavior does not change, even if you tell him this many times.

If you find that most things about your husband are good and decent, and you are able to get what you need from your marriage overall, then you might consider letting this go.

Being wed to someone does not mean they will respond to all of our wishes. If the topic is important, however, you can lay out concrete reasons why he might go with a decision you want to make. This way he is not dealing with an abstract (feelings) but is dealing with consequences, of A leads to B, or X causes Y.

You can also try softening him up or buttering him up if you've found it helps you get your way. While men tend to not respond well to divisiveness in relationships they often soften up as a response to intimacy.

Question: Do you think the same sexual attraction issues in marriage apply for men as well? I'm a man, and I'm not sexually attracted to my wife.

Answer: Yes, many of the same techniques would apply to men as well.

Question: I've been with my partner nine years and I love him very much, but I've had no sex drive for nearly four years now. My unhappiness has grown to the point where I don't know if I should just be on my own to sort myself out. I've thought recently about splitting up with my partner but I still love him. I don't know what to do, he is the most important person in my life and has been incredibly supportive. How can I make myself more attracted to him again?

Answer: I wish I knew more back story about your situation because I have a feeling there is a deeper reason you feel the way you do. Perhaps you could be depressed overall or have a deep amount of dismay about some areas of life.

Although you didn't ask, if your partner is a good person and you are satisfied otherwise with the relationship, I would not let this person go. We always think the grass is greener on the other side. But once you are on the other side something else will bore you eventually. As human beings, it is rare to ever be really satisfied permanently. People who are really good and supportive of us do not come along that often. This person sounds very well worth holding onto.

I am not sure how old you are, but it is natural over time to lose physical attraction to a spouse or long-term partner, simply because familiarity is less exciting than something new and stimulating.

As for intimacy, the best thing for this might be utilizing visualization and memory. You can try to recall when you first met your partner and how excited you were. You can also focus on your favorite body part of your partner and go from there. You can also think of something that excites you that has nothing to do with your partner, but is a jump-off point for mental stimulation. To satisfy your partner you can also do some things that do not involve you being personally excited but physically still satisfies them.

Try enjoying other aspects of your life as well, such as a hobby you always wanted to try. Often times good feelings from this will spill over into other areas of your life, such as relationships. My best wishes to you!

Question: Can a man feel that he's not sexually attracted to his wife?

Answer: Yes, a lot of men either lose attraction to their wives. Some men do not have this attraction to their wives, to begin with. Sometimes men marry what they feel would be a "good wife" but there is no physical attraction otherwise. This happens with both men and women. Also, physical attraction sometimes declines over time as a spouse gets older.

Question: How can I tell my husband that I'm not sexually attracted to him so that he will not feel upset and unwanted, is there any problem with me that I'm not sexually attracted to my husband?

Answer: My advice is not to tell him this because most people would feel unwanted or have another reaction, like feeling betrayed. There isn't anything wrong that you are not sexually attracted to him. You might have married a man that you were not physically attracted to, to begin with, or you lost attraction over time.

Question: My wife and I have been married for 14 years and we have 4 kids. I am very attracted to her but she can go months without sex. I don't want to make her feel bad so I don't say anything, but it's getting to me that she's not interested anymore. I feel she is no longer attracted to me. FYI: I am fit and I dress nice and I also always treat her with love and respect. I am not sure what to do. Advice?

Answer: I can definitely understand you needing intimacy in your marriage. Many people lose interest in sex over time, whether to a small or large degree. Rather than losing an attraction to you it's more likely just that to some extent relationship familiarity and comfort have taken the place of passion that is in most people's relationships early on. My question to you is does she respond to your initiation of lovemaking? Or does she outright reject you every time? If she's accommodating then the rest might not be a concern.

If she is not reasonably accommodating to your needs for intimacy, it might be a good idea to let her know your concern. You could also try to seduce her by remembering any fantasies or moves she's told you about in the past and seeing if they still work for her.

This is a little bit of a trick, but you could also test out becoming distant and cool in your demeanor, or acting "in charge." Sometimes this will pique a partner's interest to where they will be a little afraid of losing you or not keeping you happy. This would be a chance for seduction too.

Question: My husband had an ongoing emotional affair. I've been trying to work through it, and was feeling confident. But now, seven months later, I'm feeling empty and void. Is there help for us?

Answer: Yes, there is hope, even if it might sound unconventional. You can always put your emotions aside for now just to weather it through. Some people do this for reasons such as living expenses, if they have children, or because they feel one day things will indeed get better romantically. This time of year (starting in September) is also hard on some people as the days are getting shorter, and causes people to be more depressed.

You can make a point of trying to enjoy other activities together, such as hobbies. You can bond over other such things while taking the pressure off. To be intimate, you can also just think of your own physical arousal by closing your eyes and using imagination. Fantasy takes a lot of people through intimacy when they are not quite turned on by the reality.

In short, if there are any positive aspects to your marriage that you still enjoy, focus on those.

Question: What if you have never been attracted to your wife? And what do you do if your wife is asexual and hates sex? And those rare times once every six months she does let you have sex, before you even begin she complains that it hurts and she constantly keeps saying hurry up, are you done yet, and its only been one minute?

Answer: This would be incredibly frustrating. If you discuss this with her and she's not willing to change, and she's not willing to go to marital counseling to improve it, it is likely viable grounds for divorce.

Question: I’ve been married a year, I am no longer happy. I don’t find him sexually attractive, the things he says hurt me, but he doesn’t think they do. I’m not sure what to do. I’m not even sure why we married each other anymore. 6 years together and married one of those years.... help?

Answer: It is easy to get disillusioned when you are married. People do not really change as we wish them to because they will not generally see themselves as having the faults you notice. Unless this person is abusive, it might help for you to be open to changing your perspective on your husband's behavior.

Most men are more blunt and direct in their speech than women are. Women are more gifted with social graces in communication. When you live with a person who has a more direct approach, you will tend to find the same things are going to offend you over and over for as long as you're married. For this reason, many women find they have to get rid of some of their sensitivities after they are married. Yes, people are on their best behavior in the beginning stages of a relationship but when comfort sets in they become more open with their true personalities.

The short answer is, "Don't let it bother you." I would look to see if your husband does other things right. For example, is he a good worker? Is he protective? Does he look out for your interests overall? Is he faithful? It all comes down to what you can personally live with. Is there more good than bad about him?

Your physical attraction to your husband could wane and vice-versa. Keeping your vows of promised intimacy tends to keep husbands more well-behaved as well.

Question: What if the thought of sex with your husband turns you off? I feel all the foreplay (unenjoyable) is not worth the disappointment of the 2 minutes of sex I'll end up with, if I can even get that. I just don't want to even try anymore. Am I horrible for feeling this way?

Answer: No, and this is not an uncommon thing. There is a quote somewhere along the lines of there still being value in people and things even when there is no longer fun or excitement associated with them. At some point in marriage familiarity takes over, and sometimes contempt along with it. Acknowledging your feelings to yourself is important. But this is where working through it -- observing obligation for intimacy to the spouse is important. But the best solution for this is to ask your husband to do certain things that would genuinely turn you on. You might have to close your eyes and use some imagination as well. If you can insert some of your own mental excitement into it that would be helpful.

Question: My fiancé and I have a 4 month old. We’ve been together for 4 years, I used to be very sexually attracted to him but now I am not, and I don’t want to have sex with him at all. He ALWAYS wants to have sex, so I feel bad. I love him very much and I want to raise my daughter with him. But I find myself very attracted to other men and I don’t know what to do?

Answer: If you've got a good man I would stay with him if I were you. The reason is that desire changes and eventually declines in most relationships. That is perfectly normal. So if you were to move on to another man you would most likely find your desire for him would also wane eventually.

Question: I've been struggling with severe anxiety over the past few years as I wish we had moved away, I hate where we live. I've spent the past 24 hrs convincing myself I should be on my own should I trust my judgment at this point?

Answer: I heard a good piece of advice a long time ago. "Don't make decisions in an emotional state." I would weigh the pros and cons. Evaluate what you have to fall back on and what other emotional support system and income you would have if you did move. Would a change be better than what you have now? Just be honest in all categories.

Just as an FYI, I have anxiety issues too, and I also have a problem with where we live. I am 500 miles away from my parents. However, my future is with my husband. My best friends all live in different states now, which is terrible too.

Question: My husband stopped having sex with me over 4 years ago, due to constant arguments because of his mother. Now with the lack of intimacy and closeness, I really find him unattractive. I have tried to talk about the necessity of a physical relationship but he will not make the effort. He has said things to me like I am too much hard work, I think because I don't have an orgasm during sex. And he does not want to make me happy. Anyway, I am lost. What can I do?

Answer: I do think counseling for the both of you would be the best help in this case, but you could also try some unconventional things. First, how is the mood at home? Try keeping the home a lighthearted and happy place. Since you have a history together, your home is a place of both good and bad memories. Try doing some things that put you in a happy mood. Also, offer him oral sex, or just try starting it out of nothing when you're sleeping in bed together. I strongly suggest this. This requires no effort to please you on his part. You might find this sends a good jolt into your relationship. Also, think about a makeover -- a look that would make you feel really good and perhaps might wake your husband up a little. As for orgasms, you can try using toys on yourself to give yourself an orgasm. You can also tell him you would use them to do this, which would take the pressure off of him. You can also tell him you don't need an orgasm to enjoy sex.

Question: What if as the husband I have tried all (not perfect) with no real change? When pushing her about some of this she told me she wasn’t attracted to me anymore. It affects my entire life and I battle with depression feeling so unloved.

Answer: It would be difficult to face this situation with your spouse treating you this way. As long as you have been holding up your expected part in the marriage and treated her well there is not much else you can do. If you take care of yourself physically there is also not much else you can do improve someone's attraction to you. That is out of your hands. My best suggestion to you is to address the depression and marriage in therapy. Try to do some things you enjoy, so your entire existence isn't wrapped up in this situation making you miserable. You are a worthwhile individual no matter what another person thinks. (P.S. A small trick some people also do is to let the other person "go." Keep your personality and demeanor with your spouse neutral. Sometimes when we withdraw from the other person or act as if we are detached they become more interested again.)

Question: Do I tell my husband I’ve fallen in love with another man when I don’t want to break up our family?

Answer: I would suggest not telling him if you want to keep your family and marriage together. People get feelings for other people all the time, even when they're married. It doesn't mean you would need to act on these feelings. Temptation is everywhere for our whole lives. Lust and the rush of new love usually fades with a little bit of time. If you have something long-lasting already I wouldn't suggest trading them.

Question: I don't feel turned on anymore by my husband. What can I do or use to get turned on?

Answer: The use of imagination is what turns many women on. Just think about what excites you or has excited you in the past.

Question: I love my husband. I can't even imagine my life without him but I just don't find myself sexually interested in him anymore. I've tried everything to get the attraction back but nothing works. What can I do?

Answer: While it would be difficult to intentionally bring sexual attraction back you can always use fantasy and toys to bring yourself to arousal when your husband is in the mood. After this point, he can help you complete the act. Sexual attraction can wane in marriage, but as long you have the ability to be intimate you can still move forward with it.

Question: I'm thirty-two and have felt depressed forever. I think I love my partner, but how can I know when I feel this bad?

Answer: I understand. I think you know to yourself if you love them. Maybe the love you feel isn't romantic love but more familial, or the love you feel when you are thankful to someone.

Question: My husband doesn't care about being attractive to me in the most basic ways such as basic personal hygiene. I find this a real betrayal but I am nothing to write home about in looks, so I can't do more than ask. I have been very clear about this, but he just doesn't care. How can I help him understand how important it is to our marriage?

Answer: It sounds like he has gotten very comfortable with himself. Would you be willing to lure him into the shower or tub for sex and give him a good scrub down before you get to business? This might sound funny but the promise of intimacy is generally a big motivator for men. Do you know or can you find out what else is a motivator for him? It might get him to clean up.

Question: How can I enjoy sex when my husband can't turn me on?

Answer: See if you can bring yourself to excitement with imagination, toys, or even explicit content. You might find you are able to be intimate then. Don't forget lubricants if you need more help.

Question: I’ve been married for only a couple of years. After we got married my husband found some texts from my past and said very hurtful things. I think he feels anxious because I had more sexual partners than him. Sometimes I feel really sad because I want to feel attracted to him, but I don’t. He thinks he’s unattractive so I don’t want to tell him. I don’t feel attracted to anyone. After giving birth my sex drive changed dramatically and I’ve been depressed. What can I do?

Answer: Your sex drive/depression might change on its own again as our hormones are always changing. But you could always look into medical intervention if you wish. Attraction is only part of marital intimacy. It is part of the expected spousal commitment to engage in physical relations. But you can use the power of imagination/fantasy to get excited in the meantime. As long as you are healed physically, some lubricant should help you where you lack personal moisture. You can also engage in other intimate acts besides intercourse.

Question: I love my husband, I broke up with someone to whom I was extremely attracted for him because he was a good stable provider and intellectual. I think of my ex all the time, and every time I even think of sex. What do I to change my relationship with sex and my ex?

Answer: It was good that you stayed with your husband because he sounds like he has wonderful traits. It's normal to think of someone you have attraction and desire for. If there is a way you can channel that energy into your bedroom with your husband that would be ideal. You can change your thoughts to perhaps think about any time in the past that your husband was exciting to you. You can incorporate a vibrator into your lovemaking to keep the stimulation going as well. This is very useful if your mind isn't helping your body participate.

© 2012 Hearts and Lattes

Comments

Kara A Miller on August 15, 2020:

I’m exceedingly grateful I found this site. I’ve never been sexually attracted to my husband, and that’s worried me because I’m a very sexual woman. My husband is, the only way I can put it, very immature and innocent when it comes to sex (despite being nearly 40 years old). I’m 31 and 7 years younger than him. I don’t think he’d ever been sexually active before we met. We’ve been married for three years, but we haven’t been intimate for nearly 2 of those years. We had sex for the couple of weeks we were on our honeymoon, but I’m adventurous and he’s not and, on top of me feeling like I was forcing myself to be sexual with him, his unwillingness to try things just turned me even more off. His going excuse for not having sex all this time is that we need to wait to have enough money... because he’s only wanting to have sex for a baby. We’re close and I know he loves me, but I feel like he’s my brother, not my husband. I’m desperately unhappy and unfulfilled, but he seems blissfully unaware and I can’t bring myself to tell him how I really feel. I desperately want to have sex, but not with him. I don’t even want to have kids with him. I feel horrible for feeling this way, but day by day, it just gets worse for me. I have fantasies about other men (and women) regularly; I watch porn; I read sexually explicit stories; I use a vibrator when he isn’t home; nothing satisfies me. I feel trapped. He’s a good man, a hard working man, a kind man, and I know if I ever left him he’d fall apart...but I’m so so so unhappy. I just don’t know what to do.

Hayveggies on August 12, 2020:

Oh my word.... how refreshing it is to read that I am not alone... life is so strange but I am so grateful to know that so many women are in the same predicament as I am.

Soonafter marrying... health issues developed for me that prevented us from being intimate for the first couple years, which led him to have an affair. Now I'm here.. not attracted like I used to be... and he is wanting to be intimate but I am not turned on by him... whatsoever. Ugh.

Abc dhing on July 31, 2020:

Hii dear

I have married for 4 years...but my husband is attracted to me...he want to intimate with me but then he started saying the names of another women to fulfill his desires... What should i do? Plz help i love him alot and he loves me also but i don't likh this too

Patricia2212 on July 23, 2020:

Hello, and what if the marriage has been sorta arranged and physical attraction never existed? Even a kiss on the lips does truly nothing. When one also does not feel emotionally attached to their partner would there still be a chance to work things out? My husband is a great husband on paper he has perfect qualities and I feel secure with him but there lacks so much about our marriage. We also share different interests, humor and we both talk at a different level. I feel nothing when he approaches me no excitement nothing... Our relationship feels so superficial. I can't imagine I can ever be intimate with him in the future. When do you know for sure it's time to go for a divorce? I have been married for more than two years now I feel so frustrated and confused I can't seem to develop any feelings for my husband while he's a great guy. Is this normal? Deep down I just know we're not compatible and that he isn't the one for me... To me there's no chemistry in this marriage. I even fantasize about getting married with someone else.... What should I do?

JessieAd on April 20, 2020:

Hi Sasha foster,

I feel your pain and I’m going through the exact same thing you are and I’ve only been married 6 years (together for 13 years) I love my husband but have never been sexually attracted to him and it’s just gotten worse over time, no matter what we try. And now that I realise it’s not a problem with me but I can feel that desire for another man who I can connect with emotionally and physically in such a rare way that it’s the deepest connection I’ve ever felt, it makes me confused about what I should do. Do I Stay in my marriage and honour my commitment and accept that I’ll never be truly happy and never want to have sex or be intimate with my husband.. ? Or do I explore my connection with this other man who has awakened what’s been missing in me even as early on as my first year of my marriage...

Please tell me, what did you decide to do?

Hearts and Lattes (author) on April 08, 2020:

Anonymous Wife, I can sense your dedication to your family, and that is wonderful. Your feelings about your situation are also understandable. A lot of women and men are in your position. Many people marry someone because they would make the ideal spouse character-wise. But the other areas can be lacking, which is how the years have sometimes transpired for you. Women in their late 30s and beyond can start to have lubrication problems and soreness. One solution is an estrogen ring, which helps keep the area more optimal for intimacy. Also, some women have had luck with a combination of lubricants and drinking 10 cups of water a day. But what many people don't discuss is that people's desire tends to wane over the years even when married to someone they are attracted to, because the relationship isn't new and exciting anymore. The estrogen ring might be helpful for you, as well as using lubricant and the drinking water. You could also try oral intimacy if you haven't done so already. This should satisfy him as well. Best wishes.

anonymous wife on April 02, 2020:

Let me start by saying that love is a verb. I believe that marriage is for life. I have stood by my husband through the raising of two children, poor financial decisions, several layoffs and periods of unemployment, serious health issues, putting my dreams on hold for a career that I never wanted, and the list goes on. Not that it’s been all bad; there have been many times of joy. He is my best friend, he treats me well, and we have had a good life together.

But, I’m not sure that I was ever in love with him. I just had the overwhelming feeling that he was the man I was meant to marry, and I never doubted it. I committed to spend the rest of my life with him, and I will never break that promise.

That being said, I no longer have any interest in a physical relationship with him. Which is a serious problem, since he is still very interested, and as his wife, it is my responsibility to provide it. I have never been physically attracted to him. He was a bit chubby when we met, and he has gained more and more weight over the years. He has been 100+ lbs. overweight for many years now.

It didn’t have to happen. He could have cared more about taking care of his body, and I have always tried to help him. He is making more of an effort now that he has become diabetic, but it is too little too late. I find his body repulsive, and really, could anyone blame me? If the situation was reversed, I would totally understand if he didn’t want my body.

To be honest, he has never been able to sexually satisfy me. He is the only person I have ever been intimate with, and from the start, I was always left wanting more after our lovemaking. I think it was over a year before he brought me to climax. Early on in our marriage, I learned to satisfy myself. The first time it was kind of by accident. But when I felt what I had been missing, I kept on doing it, until it became a habit. For many years, I enjoyed our lovemaking, but it was never enough. Gradually, my interest in lovemaking declined, until it became non-existent.

For a while, I could get aroused for our intimate sessions by thinking about romantic scenes from movies or books. I would get myself worked up at times when I knew he would want to make love. Spontaneity didn’t work, because it didn’t allow me time for fantasization. But then, that strategy no longer worked. I would get myself excited, but as soon as he would start something, my body would turn off. People say that touching your partner to please him can arouse yourself, but the thought of doing that to him just disgusts me.

Eventually, he gave up foreplay, because it wasn’t helping. In deference to me, now he only insists on sex once every few months, thankfully, but I dread it every time. It actually has become quite painful for me, even with lubricants.

To him, I blame my lack of desire on menopause. What he doesn’t know, and what I can never tell him, is that I can and do get aroused, just not by him.

So what do I do? Go to therapy? I would be mortified! I doubt any words of advice would be helpful. I just keep hoping that he will lose interest as he ages.

I write this for validation. There must be other women out there in the same situation, right?

I keep telling myself, love is a verb.

Hearts and Lattes (author) on March 21, 2020:

Since this issue is multi-faceted and involves many people, I suggest therapy sessions for you and your husband. Best wishes to you.

confusedasalways3192sgl on March 20, 2020:

Mine is arranged marriage and I chose my husband because he was from IT and thought that he could understand me as well as my career well. He is short and Baldy. I didn't give importance to this even if I had concerns about them because he seemed good. But gradually he started showing his true colours. So after engagement i asked my parents to call the marriage off. They didn't do because many people knew that I am getting married and my parents didn't want to have a bad image. I even informed my husband now that I was not feeling attracted towards him and I am not ready. He also created scene. However we got married. First two months were good. He was very touchy and wanted to have sex always. But I needed some time since I still hadn't had felt emotionally or physically safe with him. I asked him time and suggested that we can be like friends for some time and let's start slowly. But he took this matter to his parents and they all yelled at me for using the term "Friends". They asked me why did they get us married if we had to be like friends. He was sharing all matters of me too with his sister. They make fun of me in their conversation. She insists him to command me. I have asked him not to share everything with his sis. But he took it in a wrong way and blames me that I try to seperate him from his sis. He restricts my office timings. He never takes me on trips. He always thinks about money. He and his family ask me to change company even if he earns pretty well. He wants me to talk more and blames that I don't behave like girl. I make household chores and even cook good. But he is not satisfied of what I do. He blames me that I don't keep my house neat. We have had several discussions and now I don't feel attracted towards him at all. He doesn't agree about his mistakes. He always blames me. I am not able to live with him. After each discussion with family, I help him with sex life too even if I don't feel intimate with him. I try my best. And we were having once in a week. He says that it's not enough. He doesn't give me time to heal and he complains that he has given me one year of time. He always wants things in his way. He commands to have baby just because their family are asking to have. He doesn't agree to have protection during intercourse and asks me to take pills. I don't know what to do. I go mad. I don't want to live with him. We have a big family. They think it's a small problem and ask me to adjust with him. I am not able to live with him. I am having sleepless nights. I have tried to make him understand, but he always takes it in a wrong way. I am going mad daily. I am fighting alone

Hearts and Lattes (author) on October 07, 2019:

Paris, I can imagine this situation is difficult for you. In my experience intimacy solves a lot of problems or makes them better. See if you can be intimate with him soon and on a more regular basis. This might help. Good luck!

Paris Love on October 07, 2019:

Hello, i have been with my significant other for about 6 years, lately i been unattractive to him sexually. it has brought problems to our relationship to the point where he has mention divorce. He asks me if i'm not attracted to him anymore and i cant confess afraid to hurt his feelings. Also he says if i don't have feelings for him he rather go separate ways. I don't want to lose my family. i feel like it can be fix with time but he has no patience.

Hearts and Lattes (author) on July 26, 2019:

Hello, I understand it is very frustrating to be in this very common situation. There are many men and women married to people who are close to ideal spouses but they lack the physical attraction. Whatever you do, please stick to your guns about not sleeping with anyone else while you're married. The desire for mating with a good domestic partner vs good sexual partner has been a struggle throughout all of human history and always will be. Think of it this way as well: There are many women married to men that sexually turn them on but are no good otherwise. They no doubt think about the guy with better traits that got away. There is no perfect resolution. We are all wired to have desires. And when those desires are fulfilled, we want something or someone else. I want to give you an answer that you would love, but I am afraid that there is none. I recommend marital counseling if you seek real help with this issue. Personally I think growing old comfortably with someone you can trust and loves you tops all of the rest. I say that knowing lust can be a very real and ongoing struggle. I wish you all the best.

Sasha Foster on July 26, 2019:

This article really speaks to me, but I really need some help! My husband and I have been married for 9 years, together for 13. I truly do love him, but am not (nor have I ever been) sexually attracted to him.

We don't have any children, but have been trying to have a child for some time. We have a good life and home together, but I miss great sex in my life. I miss being able to get turned on and excited by the man that I am with. I married him for the qualities that you mentioned in this article....he is a good man and provider. He has great husband and father qualities. We do have fun together and enjoy spending time with one another (when we aren't arguing of course). When we first met, I was more attracted to his personality than I was his physical looks. I had convinced myself that this was the man who was meant for me, because he checked all the boxes....except the sex box. However, I knew what great sex was like, but none of the men could amount or compare to the man he is. Those men were crappy and in no way could become good husbands and fathers in my eyes at the time.

So I called it a "sacrifice" and I built a life with a man who made me a better person overall. The sex was awful in the beginning, and it is still awful to this day. Is this how I am supposed to live my sex life? I cringe every time he touches me. He is not sexy and does not turn me on. He is not an ugly man, but just doesn't do anything for me sexually. I do love him, and would like to be sexually attracted to him, but I never have....and don't think I ever will. I had hoped the sexual attraction would grow over the years, but it has not.

So now what? Do I keep pushing an envelope that isn't there? We do have sex, but much of it is forced and faked. We have had decent sexual moment in the past, but they have been few and far between. And most of them have been argument makeup sex, or me settling for my husband after I have gotten turned on by something or something else.

I wish he was the type of person that would be accepting of an "open relationship." I don't necessarily want to give up the life I have, and I think I would miss him if he wasn't around anymore. However, I'm not sure if it's because I will truly miss him or if I would miss the only thing I've known for the last 13+ years.

I have recently met a man that checks every box that I could have ever thought of. I am also much older and know what I want more than what I did in my early 20s. I want to have sex with him SO badly, but am adamant about being good and faithful. This man checks way more boxes than my current husband could ever, and the sexual attraction is absolutely unreal. What am I supposed to do with this? Where am I to go? And who is to say there isn't something wrong with this man too....after all, I have not known him for the amount of time I have known my husband. I know that I am not supposed to have these feelings for another man, and I know the grass isn't always greener on the other side. However, I am so unfilled in my marriage, and my husband just isn't capable of filling the gaps. Do I go on sub-happy and unfulfilled? Do I walk away from my less than perfect situation, knowing the next won't be perfect either, but I struggle about thinking of the 20/30/40 years with the current husband that I have. I'm just not as happy as I would like to be. And my husband naked repulses me. :( There are MANY other issues that arise in our marriage, but this is one I simply do not know how to fix.

Please help!

Hearts and Lattes (author) on April 27, 2019:

Hello Natasha,

It is wonderful that you are embarking on a possible future with a new husband. Beware, yes, your concerns could be a problem in marriage.

You will want to ensure that you will be physically intimate with the man you marry. Because if not it is considered "abandonment of affection" under the law, and grounds for divorce.

People's natural attractiveness is generally highest when they are young adults, so you should expect that someone would not become more physically attractive over time.

People also do not generally change into who we want them to be. You will need to accept this man for who he is and what he looks like, and decide beforehand whether you would sleep with him when married. This will save you both time, money, and heartache.

Finally, note that no one is ever going to be the perfect partner. Physical attraction comes and goes, and is not the best basis for marriage. It sounds like this man has a lot of good traits. We are also not necessarily promised a great man in the future if we pass up a great man today. You will have to make this important decision wisely.

Best of luck to you.

natasha94 on April 25, 2019:

I am 24 and my boyfriend is 29 and we both are from Indian background. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. When he first asked me out, I wasn’t sure but he was being consistent and I thought I should give it a try. everything worked out. During the start of the relationship I was happy with the physical relationship we had however it slowly died down. I love hugging, cuddling, kissing him, sometimes a little more but I don’t feel like having sex with him. I have never had sex with anyone but been more sexually close with my ex-boyfriend than I have with my current boyfriend. he loves me a lot and takes care of me so much. He is financially at a much better position than I am but I look a little more attractive than he does. I don’t have major problems with his looks as such but I think if he looks better it might help me get attracted towards him. I think he could be a great husband except for the fact that I lately don’t find him attractive enough. I start focusing on his little mistakes and get annoyed at him when later on I realise that it wasn’t worth getting annoyed at. I want to marry him and we were thinking of getting engaged but I would like to know if this could cause problems in marriage.

Источник: https://pairedlife.com

When Men Don’t Feel Sexually Attracted to Their Pregnant Wife

The science is still out on what exactly happens to men’s sex drive during pregnancy. Some studies have found that men are actually more attracted to their wives when they’re pregnant. Others suggest fears surrounding the safety of the fetus may prevent some men from initiating sex. Another study, published in the American Journal of Human Biology, found that expectant fathers experience drops in testosterone — the hormone most closely associated with male sex drive. Different couples will go through different experiences. Some might just have a harder time barreling through.

“A changing body can be very difficult for some men,” notes Mary Jo Rapini a psychologist who specializes in sex and intimacy issues. “Some guys hold to a picture-perfect image of women they’re sexually attracted to.” The aesthetic of maternity wear probably doesn’t help matters much either. “A lot of women dress differently during their pregnancy,” Rapini says. “Some guys perceive that as a form of rejection.”

Take Colby. He’s been with his wife for six years. They’ve been married for four. They met in college. He thought she was a “smoke show” (his words). He still finds her attractive, especially now that she’s carrying their first son. But Colby is experiencing what he sees as puzzling problem.

“I have had no desire to have sex with her. I don’t love her any less, as a matter of fact, I have more desire to please her than ever. I feel like I am letting her down,” he laments in a reddit post. “She is my everything, and the thought that she may feel like I am disinterested kills me.”

Colby’s situation isn’t rare. Therapists note that plenty of men aren’t quite so eager to jump into having sex with their pregnant wives, for issues that relate to everything from general worry to basic attraction. So what’s a loving husband to do?

While some men may take issue with their pregnant wife’s body or the clothes they wear, they remain in the minority. According to Rapini, the majority of couples who come see her for problems pertaining to pregnancy, and sex, are there for much deeper reasons.

“Typically, men who don’t find their pregnant wives attractive are also sitting on major fears about the future, about being a good dad, about being able to provide,” says Rapini. “What women need to understand is that if he’s not attracted to their pregnant body, it rarely has to do with them.”

Becoming a parent is an enormous step and there are so many factors that tangle up to create a web of concern. Anxiety, for instance, can decrease sexual drive, as an increase of the stress hormone cortisol can overload sexual drive. When a father is thinking about the numerous big picture issues related to having a child — Will I be a good father? Am I ready for this? Are we financially secure enough for this? Will everyone be healthy? — those are certainly distractions that take away from sexual desire.

According to Rapini, communicating these concerns usually helps free up enough space to invite intimacy back into the relationship. This means there’s a need for men to speak freely without fear of upsetting their wives. If this seems impossible between the two of you, seeking out some professional help can help to provide a space to speak openly.

It’s worth noting that once Rapini gets couples into the office, the goal isn’t to get them back into bed. “A lack of sex alone won’t kill a relationship,” she says. “What can kill a relationship is when other forms of intimacy stop.”

Undersexed and expecting couples, Rapini suggest, should focus on other forms of intimacy. “Touch is important. Talking is important. Maintaining an emotional connection is extremely important,” she says. “It’s one thing not to be attracted to your wife, but if you’re not intimate anymore, well, that’s going to be a problem.”

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Источник: https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/men-not-sexually-attracted-pregnant-wife/

Are you wondering whether your husband is still attracted to you?

Perhaps he says he’s more attracted to you than ever, but you can’t shake the feeling this isn’t true. 

The fact is: actions speak louder than words.

That’s why I’ve put together this guide packed with the most obvious behavioral clues that your husband is no longer attracted to you. 

If he’s displaying some of the signs in this guide, that tells you all you need to know. 

But, before we get started, it’s important you read the following sentences carefully. 

If your husband is showing these signs that he’s not attracted to you, there is a significant chance that he’s getting his sexual kicks elsewhere. 

Now, this isn’t guaranteed. But it is something you might want to investigate.

Recently, I discovered this powerful communications tracker tool, which a lot of women are using to keep tabs on partners they suspect of being unfaithful.

It’s the perfect tool for the job, as it’s 100% discreet. 

All you need to do is type a few of your husband’s details into the algorithm, then this tool can begin to scour information about his recent communications. 

You’ll find out who he’s calling and texting the most, what online services he’s using, whether he’s using alternate phone numbers, plus a lot more. 

If he is doing the dirty behind your back, this tool will make it really obvious really quickly.

This might be something you want to clear up, before addressing his lack of attraction to you. If so, I’d urge you to download this tool so you can learn the truth about what’s going on behind your back. 

Below, I have listed 20 worrying signs that your husband is no longer attracted to you.

Contents

Signs My Husband Isn't Attracted To Me Anymore

1. Sex Life Goes Off The Cliff

Sex Life Goes Off The Cliff

The sex lives of men are everything! So, when it ceases to exist, this will be a huge red flag for me, and it should be for you too. It is especially alarming if your sex life, which used to be great, suddenly goes out the window. No doubt, men are highly physical creatures, and more often than not, their love language involves physical intimacy; therefore, the lack of it is worrying and could be a sign of incoming relationship problems, as well as the fact that he is no longer physically attracted to you. 

Furthermore, even if the sex life might still be there, if it feels perfunctory and leaves you unsatisfied, these are all signs that something is wrong. This is because when there is physical attraction, men are like horn dogs, unable to keep their hands off you. So, if your significant other refrains from touching you, it’s a sign there is a problem that needs to be addressed. The truth is – being honest with your feelings is the best way forward.

2. He’s No Longer Romantic

Roses at your workplace, impromptu date nights, little love notes stuck on the fridge door– these are the staple of a romantic relationship; no doubt, we all get a high when the person we love does this for us. But if you’ve been married for a while, and suddenly your partner no longer enjoys any of these things, I can understand how worrying it will be. 

Consequently, many of us tend to think that because we’re married, it’s normal to lose a bit of romance, but this isn’t true; marriage isn’t a death knell for romance. Conversely, married men are incredibly romantic (hence why they’re a catch for many single women). So, if your partner isn’t going out of his way to the things that triggered your love for him in the first place, this is a clear sign that something needs to be fixed. 

3. He Doesn’t Reach Out To Communicate

Communication is important in any relationship and is the cornerstone of any marriage. Think about it; you’re stuck with this person, hopefully forever, so you’re going to need to talk to them, right? Additionally, the communication goes beyond just ‘what do you want for dinner,’ and it should cover a myriad of topics. 

Hence, if your partner doesn’t seek to engage you in deep conversation or isn’t willing to talk about anything beyond mundane everyday stuff, it could indicate that you no longer stimulate him. For instance, if for a long time, you’ve always known him for his funny banter and jokes about why he thinks his boss’ head looks like a pineapple, but he no longer feels the need to amuse you, then something is up. Certainly, it’s a sign there is a problem that needs to be addressed.

4. He Listens But Doesn’t Engage

This is a much bigger problem than you might realize. You might be thinking, ‘But he listens to me and agrees with everything I say,’ and while it is great that he listens, it doesn’t mean he is there. This is because, in most healthy relationships, your husband doesn’t just listen, but he gives his opinions and sometimes doesn’t even agree with you.

Therefore, if your husband just listens to you listlessly and doesn’t go out of his way to offer his take or opinion on a matter, it’s one of the clear signs that he’s no longer attracted to you. Furthermore, it could be that he has completely lost interest in trying to engage you and have stimulating conversations. 

So, the next time you have a conversation with your partner, check to see if he is not only listening but also if he is processing the information and giving you some sort of feedback. 

5. He Flirts With Other Women

This is especially bad as it not only shows that he isn’t attracted to you, but that he is searching for something, or someone, else. Your husband should regularly flirt with you because he finds you attractive and wants you to know it; hence, if he is giving that attention elsewhere, then it’s a problem.

It’s also worth noting that this problem could arise due to a decline in your sex life or some other factors that cause him to cast his attention somewhere else. So, examine the situation and determine a course of action. That said, this sort of behavior is especially worrying because it also means that your husband isn’t going out of his way to show you the respect you deserve, especially if he is flirting openly. 

6. He Makes It Difficult To Spend Time Together

He Makes It Difficult To Spend Time Together

Now, it is necessary to note that spending time apart isn’t bad for a relationship as it makes your reunion even sweeter. However, if you don’t spend any time together at all, it eats away at the relationship until there is nothing left of the connection that initially brought you two together. 

Moreover, time spent together should be a priority for your husband, and when it reduces, your alarm bells should start ringing. This is because periods you and your partner spend with each other are opportunities to understand each other even better, which is something your husband should be interested in. But, if he appears reluctant to spend the time necessary and always comes up with excuses to be away, then it is one of the clear signs that he simply isn’t interested.

7. He Spends Time But Doesn’t Have Fun

On the other hand, if your husband is spending time with you, but appears not to be having fun, that’s another problem. However, this lack of interest or attraction doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you; it just means he doesn’t want to tear your clothes off. While this situation might suit some women just fine, many want to be the object of lust for their significant other. 

For instance, if you and your hubby sit quietly in a room, or take long walks together, but he doesn’t try to initiate intimacy (not necessarily sex) then it might indicate that he wants to spend time with you, but isn’t really interested in you sexually

On the flip side, it’s possible he still spends time with you and takes those walks as you would like, or still helps out in the kitchen; however, if your normally jovial husband isn’t making jokes or being goofy, and you are the one acting clownish instead, it’s very likely he doesn’t really enjoy your company which is one of the warning signs might not be attracted to you anymore – no doubt, this is pretty hurtful. 

8. He Talks To You Like A Buddy/Pal

First off, friendship in a relationship is vital; hence why many women choose to marry their best male friends; however, there’s also a reason why many of us choose not to do so. Answer this; what does your partner have that your next best friend doesn’t? Attraction – no doubt, that’s what sets a lover apart from a friend.

Therefore, if that attraction goes away and all that you’re left with is a good friend, there’s nothing else to set your husband apart from a really good male friend. Likewise, men also see it this way, and if he is only talking to you like a roommate, then it’s likely he no longer lusts after you.

More so, if all your chats are friendly without a slight bit of perviness thrown into the mix, then it’s certainly something to think about. In such instance, ask yourself – is your sex life great? Has he lost interest? Does he want something else? These are all questions that might bug you when this happens. 

9. He’s Affectionate, But Not Intimate

This is tricky. After all, it might not be easy to notice at first because it seems like your husband is acting normal, but then his mind might be elsewhere. Besides, it’s even harder if your husband is busy because you might easily mistake it for fatigue. 

So, your partner comes home from work and hugs you and goes off to bed. Or, maybe he even asked about your day and listened to you while cuddled up. Yet, you feel that bit of distance; his hand running through your hair feels mechanical, he’s holding you and doesn’t even once try to sneak a cheeky hand under your shirt. All these actions point at a husband who probably loves you, but isn’t attracted to you. 

Naturally, when someone loves you, they don’t need a special occasion or reason to want to get intimate. Also, there’s a feeling of warmth that radiates and envelopes you indicating that you are valued and loved. So, if this is missing, then there might be a problem.

10. He Places His Needs Over Yours

Love is selfless, and more often than not, if someone loves you, they will put your needs over theirs. On the flip side, selflessness is also pretty sexy, as this research shows. But, what if he places his needs over yours and doesn’t display the sexiness you used to associate with him? Again, this is one of the signs your husband doesn’t find you as attractive.

As mentioned above, selflessness is sexy, but not only to the receiver, but the giver also uses this skill to show love and attraction. In such cases, more often than not, the man finds the girl physically attractive enough to perform a selfless act. 

With all that said, finding out that your husband now prefers to do things without considering how you might feel about it is painful, but even worse, it is a sign that he might not be attracted to you anymore. 

11. Conversations Become Awkward

Conversations Become Awkward

Remember when your partner first came into your life? How easy the two of you could communicate, how easy it was to say ‘I love you,’ or how effortlessly the conversation flowed? Well, it was all easy back then as you were both in love at the time. But now, you find that conversations are hard to go through, or you don’t feel as comfortable when spending time with him. All these things show that your man might not be attracted to you anymore. 

That said, it isn’t uncommon for couples to have some awkward conversations one way or another. For example, when talking about your sex life, or when discussing your finances. However, if every conversation takes an awkward turn, again, it’s one of the signs there is a huge problem

In fact, the lack of quality communication could be the reason for the awkwardness, or maybe the both of you have forgotten how easy it is to converse, or he just doesn’t find you attractive enough to want to try harder at the conversation.

12. He Doesn’t Talk Excitedly About The Future

It is generally accepted that women are the planners of the relationship. We’re the ones that talk about the future; ours, our hubby’s, everyone's! That said, men are just as invested in the future, and most couples usually plan their life together. 

Now, one way or another, if you find out your husband is hoping for a big promotion to subsequently buy a vacation home, the two of you haven’t yet discussed it, such behavior is a big old red flag and is one of the possible signs that your significant other is not attracted to you anymore. 

Furthermore, it could also be that he, perhaps, doesn’t see you in his life anymore and is no longer interested in you physically. If that’s the case, it’s best to be open and discuss your feelings; you can try and bring that topic up and if he tries to avoid talking, then that is another one of the signs that all is not well. 

13. He’s Distant

As noted earlier, when your husband hugs you, the warmth that radiates is evident, and you know that you are loved. But when it’s absent, you also notice it, and it shows if he puts some emotional distance between both of you. 

Also, it might not only be the hugs; he might be more distant, less attentive, or more curt than usual. And while all this might be a symptom of stress, it might also be a sign that he is not attracted to you anymore or has something else in mind. 

14. He Chooses Porn Over You

He Chooses Porn Over You

Your husband watching some porn to get his rocks off is not much of a problem. However, it becomes one if he prefers to engage with the screen rather than with you. Such behavior means that your sex life is lacking something, and he just isn’t into you physically anymore. 

Importantly, it should be noted that porn addiction is real and could be the reason he is spending more time on smutty websites; even then, he should want to have sex with you. Therefore, if he prefers some lotion and the fantasy of another woman, it’s one of the clear signs that he doesn’t view you as worthy of his lust. 

15. He Doesn’t Get Jealous Anymore

Jealousy is a rather sexy emotion in the right doses. Just like salt, when added with care, spices up a meal, jealousy can spice up a relationship and even ramps up the physical attraction between couples. On the flip side, when added liberally, it is no longer sexy, but creepy and toxic. But, there’s a third scenario; what if it’s not there at all?

While you might assume you have a mature man right there, it could also be that he doesn’t believe you are worth getting jealous over. Jealousy is a huge component in attraction because, to a man, it means that he sees this woman in his life forever and doesn’t want her with anyone else. But, if other men flirt with you and he doesn’t even raise an eyebrow, it could also point to the fact that he is not attracted to you anymore.

That said, you need to be careful that your man isn’t just hiding his jealousy. Also, not flipping out because your colleague paid you a compliment doesn’t mean he isn’t jealous. But, if he pays no attention when things like this happen or doesn’t even indicate that he noticed, or maybe also encourages it, that might mean he is not attracted to you anymore.

Have you ever finished a video game 100%? If you have, then you know what comes next– you drop it and move on to the next game. That’s the same thing many couples face when they feel like there’s nothing left to know about their partner’s life.

Part of your allure is the mystery. This is the reason men try to understand us or know us better. However, it is a double-edged sword as it also means that when everything is revealed, we lose the mystery.

However, there are still those of us who can play the same video game over and over again, without getting bored. Likewise, a loving husband never gets bored with his wife and sees her in his life forever. On the flip side, a husband who has lost interest behaves like he knows everything about you and there is nothing exciting left; in fact, the thought of you in his life might appear burdensome.

For example, let’s say you both get into an argument, and he already assumes he knows what you’re going to say, accompanied with an eye-roll, it’s likely he doesn’t think you have anything new to offer and is tired of having you around.

17. He Gets Bored Easily With You

Does your hubby play games or engage in other activities when you are pouring your heart out to him? Or perhaps you catch him staring out of the window in boredom during your usual morning conversations over coffee? These behaviors indicate lost interest and could be signs that he doesn’t find you stimulating and is bored in your presence.

While it isn’t impossible for you and your husband to be bored even when in each other’s company, it is a problem if you are having fun, but he isn’t. If this is the case in your relationship, you might need to take action. Hence, you can talk to him to find out why he is bored, and if his answer is non-committal or random and it happens repeatedly, then there’s obviously something wrong. 

18. He’s Always Picking Fights

Couples fight, and it is a natural part of a relationship. However, what isn’t normal is if your hubby looks for any excuse to get into a fight with you, and this has been going on for a long time. 

While it could be his subtle way of letting you know something else going on, or that he isn’t attracted to you. Furthermore, if your partner seems reluctant to make up after an argument (especially if it wasn’t huge to begin with), then it might mean the two of you are on the verge of a divorce. Moreover, he might be orchestrating the fights to get away from you or as an excuse not to talk or even have sex. All of these are indicators that the appeal is gone. 

19. Something Doesn’t Feel Right

Something doesn't feel right

A woman's intuition is a special thing. When a woman feels like something is missing from the relationship, there’s a valid reason. It might not be anything overt; just the tiny things such as hugging a second shorter, speaking with a little less expression– it could be anything. So, examine your relationship and ask if you still feel like everything is okay. 

Relationships evolve as do feelings, but love should usually remain no matter what, so if your husband starts to feel off, you might be right.

FAQs

What To Do If You Are Not Attracted To Your Husband?

This could happen, and in such a case, the first thing to do is find out if it can be recaptured. Consequently, if the attraction can be regained, then work towards it. But, if it can’t, then ask if it’s due to lack of love, and ponder what it means to walk away from the relationship over this. 

Why Is My Husband Not Interested In Me Sexually?

There are a lot of reasons why this could happen, ranging from a lack of love to mental issues. Whatever the reason, ask if the other aspects of your relationship still works because if they don’t, then the lack of sex might be indicative of a much larger problem.

Can A Marriage Survive Without Physical Attraction?

Yes. While physical attraction is important and is a huge part of why you are together in the first place, it isn’t the be-all and end-all. This is because several factors can lead to losing your lust for your partner, from weight to health. However, if you still love the person, the relationship can persist.

How Do You Tell If Your Husband Is No Longer Attracted To You?

We have taken a look at a few signs that stand out when your partner is no longer attracted to you. Furthermore, if it’s been a long time your partner has lost interest, something changes; in fact, something always changes. So, it’s up to you to find what that is and determine if your husband is still attracted to you.

How Do You Tell If Your Husband Is No Longer Attracted To You?

This is somewhat complicated, but it usually involves some sort of disconnect between you and your partner. That said, it could come from either of you, but if the connection is gone from the marriage and there is no interest to work on it or make it right, then your marriage is probably over.

To Conclude…

I hope you enjoyed the list. It is important to determine if your husband is no longer attracted to you because you can do something about it if you realize it early enough. Also, if you have thoughts you’d like to share, leave a comment below. And if you enjoyed reading this, don’t forget to share it.

Sarah Mayfield

As hopeless romantic I struggled tremendously in my love life. After many years of searching, trial & error, and countless failed relationships, I finally found my Mr. Right. It wasn't an easy road, but one that has taught me an incredible amount about the workings of relationships between men and women, and this is what I hope to share through my writing on this blog.

Источник: https://romantific.com/signs-my-husband-not-attracted-me/

DEAR CAROLYN: Less than two weeks ago, my husband dropped a bomb — he says he is no longer attracted to me and doesn’t feel that we have much in common anymore. This was a huge surprise to me because he has not expressed or shown any real dissatisfaction previously.

Carolyn Hax

Although he has not yet asked for a divorce, he also has not yet indicated that he wants to stay married. He is going to a therapist to figure out how to better understand and express his feelings.

This is a huge shock to me, and he is showing no outward signs of being committed to our marriage. How do I protect my mental health while I’m waiting it out? I feel like the man I married has disappeared.

My Husband Pulled a 180

DEAR MY HUSBAND PULLED A 180: I’m so sorry.

I suggest you don’t “protect” your mental health so much as actively promote it. Start taking excellent care of yourself — exercise, healthful eating, adequate sleep, time with friends who build you up and love you as you are — and, wherever possible, immersion in things you love and find uplifting, like art, music, books, shows, movies. Wear your prettiest clothing, get your hair done.

Consider finding a therapist of your own to talk to as well, especially if it’s a struggle to do the kind of self-care I suggested.

And, in general, don’t treat this as “waiting it out.” That says you need to know what he wants to do before you can start deciding what you want, and that’s not completely true.

Sure, you can’t stay married unless he does, too, but virtually everything else is yours to decide. Do you want him? That should be an open question, given the information you just received about his investment in the marriage. And if the answer is still yes, then on what terms? What changes to your lives together will you accept, or would you insist on?

You have more say in this than you apparently believe. Please realize that you have ways you can act, instead of just react. You may not be ready to take advantage of them yet, but just knowing they’re there can help.

DEAR CAROLYN: Re: Husband’s 180: My husband did the same thing three years ago. Take care of yourself, and I highly recommend therapy — it was crucial for forgiving myself for what he had done to me. Also, go chat with a divorce attorney. You need to protect yourself. Everyone thinks their beloved wouldn’t do anything to hurt them, but you didn’t think he’d just up and leave, either. Please make sure to take inventory of all of your bank accounts.

Best of luck — please be as kind as possible to yourself.

I Promise, It Gets Easier


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DEAR CAROLYN: Re: Husband’s 180:

The obvious, Occam’s-razor explanation is worth considering: Husband is cheating. My wife of eight years (together for 13) all of a sudden was not in love with me, attracted to me, etc., because she had recast her gaze elsewhere.

Anonymous

DEAR ANONYMOUS: True, this is often how it plays out when there’s a new love interest. It could also just be lousy communication, though — doubts for a long time that were too uncomfortable or inconvenient to face, much less say out loud.

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(This was adapted from a recent online discussion.) “Tell Me About It” is by Carolyn Hax. Send your questions to [email protected] or fax 202-334-5669.

Источник: https://www.mercurynews.com/2017/04/20/carolyn-hax-my-spouse-just-told-me-he-isnt-attracted-to-me-anymore/

Life can get hectic, and as a result, sex can hit the backburner. Especially if you have kids, it might not be top of mind for him to come home from work and initiate sex right away.

“When you come home at the end of the day and you’ve worked all day, you’re either going to sit down and watch TV or go to sleep, or you could somehow have sex,” says Pizzulli. “Sometimes, sleep is more preferable.”

Plus, once you’re married and sex becomes less of a novelty, it’s common for men to shift their focus and priorities to other things. “Think of the cavemen,” says Pizzulli. “Once you get your woman, now it comes down to raising babies and then hunting and gathering, right? So maybe you’ll have some sex, but the primary focus is now on work. And for a lot of men, work becomes the center of their life cycle when they’re trying to support their families.”

The key here is normalizing the fact that your priorities are bound to change throughout the course of your lifetimes. “This is not something catastrophic for your relationship,” says Pizzulli. “The frequency of sex and the priority of sex changes and ebbs and flows through the life cycle for both men and women.”

Get him in the mood: It’s still important to take steps to regain sexual intimacy in your marriage, especially if you’re working with busy schedules.

The first step? Start planning sex into your week. “You can’t have eroticism be spontaneous,” says Pizzulli. “We plan everything else in our lives, so why not this? You have to set time aside.” Set a “date” for Saturday night, and stick to it—preferably during a time with no kids in the house to avoid possible distractions.

Источник: https://www.prevention.com/sex/g20488132/why-men-dont-want-sex-with-their-wives/

3 Replies to “I m not attracted to my husband”

  1. So i made a tfsa account, how do i link it to my bank account so i can put money in tfsa and start investing

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